Dear Havana!
It is January 15th and you have been six for almost three months. I am sorry I am just now sitting down to type out your letter. I can blame it on life, school, or any other slew of excuses, but ultimately I haven't set aside the time to focus long enough to get out everything I want to say. For that, I am sorry. I do so often feel like I push you and your needs to the side simply because you are the oldest. That isn't right of me and is one of the things I am looking forward to improving on in my relationship with you.
I am so proud of you. God has given you such a sweet heart. You care a lot for your family and for others. You desire to know God and I love your prayers. You love to pray about any and everything, but my favorite is when you go through and tell God all about the Bible stories in the Bible and you pray Biblical characteristics over yourself and your family. What an amazing thing.
You are so smart. You started Kindergarten this year and you are excelling! You are enjoying your days at school, but I can tell that the art and music of the week are your favorite parts. This week your picture was "Starry Night" and you have told everything that is your favorite picture. You are very cultured... you love classical music. I love watching you grow in knowledge and love of learning. You do sometimes complain about some things such as handwriting, but for the most part, you have a wonderful attitude.
You had such a fun year... we went to Disney world in February where you loved riding rides and meeting characters (you met Pluto twice, which was a dream come true for you). I loved when I rode Thunder Mountain with you because that was a "big kid" ride and I used to love it as a little girl. You took swim lessons this summer and were in your first ballet recital in June... you NAILED you performance and your teacher told me that you knew the routine better than anyone else. God has certainly gifted you with so many talents!
Currently, you want to be a teacher when you grow up and I never hesitate to tell you what a great one you will be.
School has been an adjustment for me more than it has for you... but every day I am so glad that we never sent you to a preschool! I have loved every single minute that you have been home with us. I am glad we never rushed you into waking up early and having to be a part of schedule. Your first five years were very laid back and family focused... and I would never wish we had done anything differently.
You are a beautiful, fun-loving, sweet, and smart girl! You love arts and crafts, cooking, and reading. I've been reading you The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe and you are doing wonderful with paying attention despite the fact there are no pictures. As always (and like me) you love being rubbed... and so are always asking for snuggles and back rubs!
Sometimes I worry about our relationship... I wonder if I'm too strict, too preoccupied, too grouchy, and too much like you for us to have a wonderful relationship all through life. But that is my prayer. I never want you to doubt my love or my excitement about being your mother. What is important to you is important to me and I am sorry for the times I don't focus in and talk about what you want to talk about. I can be a very selfish mama, but I want to change... and with God's help I am becoming a better mother each day. Please know that He is convicting me and changing me more into the mother that I want to be and that you need. I feel sorry that you are my oldest and that I don't have this mothering thing figured out, but am learning as I go with you... but I know God's ways are perfect and He has chosen you to be the oldest one in our family. I trust that He will grant you with a soft heart for me in return. And that's my prayer. That you and I will always be close... that you will always know my love for you... and I think you do.
The other day in the car Jonah asked if God still loves us even when we disobey. I explained how God always, always loves us... even when we disobey. And you said, "Just like you!" YES! Nothing you ever do will ever change my love for you. You never have to prove yourself to me...
Last night at the dinner table I apologized to the family for being grumpy and you were the first to tell me that you forgive me! I always appreciate your grace!
God has instilled a love in your heart for your family. The other night, your daddy and I quietly watched you from another room. You were playing and singing to Hezekiah! You told him that you loved him being in your family. My eyes filled with tears. You are an incredible older sister! Thank you for being a leader (even though I have to remind you that you are Jonah, Selah, Asa, and Hezekiah's SISTER and not their mother... for example the other day you told Jonah he couldn't have something until he gained his self control. Ha).
Since you are the oldest, you are the first one that we are having to figure out how to answer questions with. You've asked a lot about marriages... and we have never told you about divorce until you started wondering why we never see your cousin's mommy or why daddy's mommy and daddy's daddy don't live in the same house. We've explained your questions the best way we could... but we always end by telling you that you never have to worry about that happening to your mommy and daddy... and we ask you, "how many times does God want us to get married?" You always answer "once" and we confirm that. Your mommy and daddy will always be married to each other as long as we are both alive! I hope that will help you have security as you realize more and more marriages that are broken. You also desire to get married. Currently, Daddy will walk you up the aisle, Selah and I will be your flower girls. Jonah and Asa will be ring bearers and Hezekiah will either be the pastor or will give the rings that Jonah and Asa carry up to the pastor. I always tell you that I love that you want your family to be a part of your wedding. You have said that you want to get married at the same place (and on the same day) as us. I say that's okay too. And you've also told me that you are going to marry Emmerson from your class. Ha. I always end these conversations by asking you, "what is the most important thing about the person you are going to marry?" And you will answer, "That they love Jesus with all their heart." Perhaps this year I will teach you how to pray for your future husband! God knows who he is! :)
You again have done well adjusting to yet another baby being added to our family. Although I do think you are still disappointed it wasn't a girl. The other day you said, "I wish that the cake had been pink." You keep holding out that there will be another baby in my belly and this time it will be a girl. I keep telling you that we aren't in charge of that.
This year you had your first cavity and lost your first tooth... so we have had a lot of dentist experiences. :) You love playing games, dancing, and watching Frozen or Tinkerbell. In fact, you had a tinkerbell birthday and almost everyone from your class came. Your daddy and I took you to Chick-fil-A and on a date to get your nails done! I also came to eat lunch with you on your bday at school! Your friend party was hosted at the bowling alley. It's funny, you aren't really into bowling, but it was a gender neutral place that was inexpensive. :)
It is fun to watch you grow and mature. I continue to pray often for you... and for myself to be a good mommy for you. I love you with my whole heart!
Love,
mommy
