We hope and pray that everyone had a nice Christmas day yesterday. Ours was nice, but also had a few moments of tears as we grieved the childless house that we are living in.
Sorry it has taken a while to update the blog. I (Darby) have not had the emotional energy to type anything out or help Jason as he typed up an update. I know we talk to many of you on a regular basis, but I have still felt bad about not keeping the blog updated on what is going on in our journey to parenthood. Here's a quick re-cap of the happenings since my last post:
October 21st - We had a funeral for Elijah. God blessed us with an incredibly beautiful fall day for our ceremony. Elijah is now buried in the "Little Lambs" section of Washington East Cemetery here in Indianapolis. To view a few photos from that day please check out: http://louisville.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2087733&l=e02dd&id=38303971
October 22nd - I had a follow up appointment with my doctor after my D&C. After talking in detail with her about where I was emotionally and physically with the miscarriage she recommended that I go on anti-depressants and she wrote me a script for them which we had filled immediately. After the appointment we drove (with Tucker) to Virgina for a vacation week at the Cabin (thanks, Noel and Brenda). We had a wonderful week spending time with each other and with the Lord in the beautiful countryside of VA. Kevin, Gladys, and Isabel also joined us for our last full day our there. It was such a good (and needed!) week for us. You can view highlights of that trip at: http://louisville.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2088945&l=a7104&id=38303971
We arrived back to Indianapolis on the 30th of October and immediately got in touch with Bethany Christian Services about continuing with the adoption. After a D&C women are encouraged to prevent pregnancy for a time and my doctor encouraged us to prevent at least until January. After much prayer Jason and I have decided that we will only pursue adoption and not continue to try to get pregnant when January comes. We were officially put back on the adoption waiting list on November 5th.
Now we are waiting on a phone call. The phone call could be a request from a birthmother who is interested in meeting us. Or we might get a call that a baby has been born already for us to adopt. So, technically, we could get a call any day that our first baby has been born! That is an exciting thought, but at the same time something that is hard to be patient for. We continue to pray daily for our child and that only one birthmother would be interested in us (the one who will in fact deliver Baby Dugger). We are praying against a false placement or a false match. Hebrews 11:1 is very dear to us right now, "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." -- how we struggle seeing God's plan in this infertility journey, but we TRUST even when things aren't spelled out. Praise God!
How are we doing?! -- That answer is somewhat complicated. Infertility and the loss of Elijah have certainly taken their toll on me and on our marriage. It has not been easy or in the least bit fun, but at the same time, we know that God is good. He has been our great Comforter and while our pain is not healed we know that in the long run things will work out. Jason continues to be so incredibly patient and loving towards me as I am struggling with deep depression. He doesn't push me and while I know he misses the "Old Darby" - I know he loves the "Depressed Darby" just as much. He's incredible.
I am still on the anti-depressants. There are days when I feel 80% back to my old self, but most of the time I'm struggling to even remember the old, carefree Darby. I am thankful for all of you who have put up with me and the friends who have really stepped up the plate during this difficult time. I appreciate all your cards, visits, calls, and prayers.
God has certainly made both of us fall more in love with the idea of adoption. We thought we were excited about it back in August, but compared to how we feel about it now it doesn't even compare. Our hearts beat for adoption. We pray daily for our Baby Dugger and Baby Dugger's birthmother. We pray that God continues to use us and our situations as He sees fit and to bring glory to His name. We aren't sure of His timing, but hopefully we won't have to wait too much longer to welcome home our baby. Please continue to pray for us and Baby Dugger!!! We'll keep you updated!
Love to Everyone!!!!
