Memories...

Tonight I was making dinner and my mind wandered down memory lane...

It was July of 2002 and I had know Jason Dugger for six months. I was in love with him and knew I wanted to marry him, but kept those feelings very much to myself. At that point, we were seeing each other weekly at church functions and had been out in a group setting with mutual friends, but had not been on a date.

I had a video I knew he wanted to see. I offered to let him borrow it or meet him at church and watch it there. He suggested coming to the house of a mutual friend where I was housesitting. I wasn't going to object to him coming over. He said he would call me after dinner and we could watch the movie that evening.

He called that afternoon and asked what I was doing for dinner. I told him I was planning on fixing pasta for myself. He invites himself over to join me and asks if he can bring something - I suggest a side.

He shows up, three hours earlier than our original estimation... and for the first time... the two of us are spending time alone. Our conversation is light and comfortable. We talk about my school (I was taking an economics class at the time) and his work. We play a game or two of pool where he tells me about how he used to go to smokey pool halls a lot in college. I asked him if he had been a smoker, he said no. We joke - he nicknames me "Barnabas" because I was so "encouraging" during our game. I won a game and he won a game.

I fix dinner and he offers to help. I decline and we continue talking while I cook. While I'm making dinner he gets up from his chair at the table and stands behind me. My heart begins to race... He takes one hand and puts it on the base of my neck - his fingers in my hair. He gently rubs my neck and thanks me for making such a wonderful dinner for him and says how happy he is to be here with me. I go weak at the knees.

At that moment, my mind was filled with marriage thoughts (shocking for a 19 year old girl, I know :)... I think about how I wanted to marry him and how he would thank me for making such great dinners for him by rubbing the back of my neck. :)

Eight years and two months later, I stand in our kitchen. We are a married couple with almost 6 years under our belt. He is playing with the children while I make us Shepperd's Pie for dinner. He comes up and thanks me for making such a nice dinner, giving me a gentle kiss on the cheek. My heart still leaps and I still go weak at the knees.

Jason Alan Dugger is amazing. Simply put, I have never known a more selfless man. He is gentle in spirit and his heart is kind. He thanks me everyday for cooking dinner just as he did that first dinner I made for him. He doesn't take me for granted (even though at times I take him...) and still amazes me. I am blessed to be his wife. I don't know how I managed it -- from the moment I met him I thought there would be no way... first, I couldn't believe he wasn't already married. During the early days of our friendship I kept preparing myself every day to see him at church and find out he had gotten engaged. He couldn't be single?! Then, I couldn't believe he would be interested in me. I was younger than he was... still in college... still a teenager. I was silly and immature at times. He was tall, handsome, and studly... I was short, a little plump, and had frizzy hair.

Somehow, he saw past that...

Back to that night in July of 2002... we eat dinner, laughing most of the time. I asked him to tell me his testimony as I didn't know yet how he had become a Christian. He shared his beautiful story with me of how he came to know Jesus at age 22. He told me who shared Christ with him and how his life drastically changed. I was sitting there amazed with the goodness of God.

We watch the movie, his original reason for coming over. By the time the movie ends it is almost midnight and Jason has over an hour drive home and work the next morning. Yet, he chooses to linger for a while longer. He told me how his boss was out of town so he could come in late. He lived close to where I was going to school and so he drew me a map of how to get to his house. (I still have that map :).

We sit out on the front porch swing. The stars are bright. We simply talk. He puts his arm around me and again plays with my hair. Then, he asks me how many children I want. I was shocked my the question but answered with, "5" - we discuss children, parenthood, and marriage.

We sit outside until almost 3am.

Finally, I suggest that he leaves. He agrees and thanks me again for dinner. I walk him to his truck where we embrace. We had hugged many times prior... but this was the first time that we remained in the embrace. It wasn't a quick hello or goodbye hug like in the past. It was affection. There was no kiss (I wasn't expecting one nor would I have accepted one at that time) but simply pure companionship. It was tender - it was kind.

Eight years and two months later... we still often find ourselves exchanging those hugs. Sure, there is more involved now :) -- but sometimes, throughout the day, we just rest in each others embrace. We find shelter... companionship. It is tender, it is kind...

I was thinking about all the details of that night as I was making dinner tonight. My heart still skips a beat when Jason walks in the room, when he moves in close for a hug or kiss, even when the phone rings and his name is on caller ID. I love him. I love everything about him. I love his character. His heart. His spirit. His kindness.

My love has grown. Certainly. There have been hard times, times of hurt. We don't have a perfect marriage. I have hurt him and he has hurt me. But we also have forgiveness. We know the others intentions. We offer grace to each other.

That grace strengthens our marriage. Builds a solid foundation. Earns each others trust.

That man who came to see me eight years and two months ago is now my life mate. My partner. My best friend. And I couldn't be more blessed or humbled at the journey the last 8 years and two months have been.

I'm so excited to see what the rest of our lives hold in store for us...

Goodbye Paci!

For the last week we have been slowly cutting Havana's paci. She only gets when she goes to sleep and this past week as we've cut it - we stopped giving it to her as we read our family devotions (which happens right before bed)and instead just lay it in her crib for her to find after we walk out of the room. It was funny when we first started cutting it, she put it in her mouth, pulled it out and said, "uh-oh" :)

Anyway, Jason has the next few days off and so we decided to take it away so that he can be here for any adjustment period. I am happy to announce that she put herself to bed rather quickly and without much fuss at all. We watched her on the video monitor and she just played with her toys and then rocked her head back and forth a bunch to fall asleep (something she has done her whole life). So, it wasn't nearly as painful as I was thinking it was going to be. However, I'm trying to brace myself for a possible early morning with her. I'm spoiled - she really doesn't wake up until about 8:30 or sometimes later and I wonder if she wakes up at 7:30 or so and can't find her paci if she will wake up. I refuse to go in and get my children before 8:00am - so she'll just have to play in her crib until then, but it might be an early morning for me. :)

Today was a very good day. I was able to sleep in until almost 10am (thanks to my wonderful husband who woke up with the children!) and then met at friend at Chick-fil-A for lunch. That was fun - I enjoyed talking with her and love how similar our desires and passions are. However, I love and hate Chick-fil-A. I love it, but I find myself getting so frustrated with the other parents. The parents who send their children into the play place unsupervised. The ones who sit and talk instead of telling their children not to push the other children down the stairs. Sometimes I have said something to a child or two, but most of the time, I just become angry with the lack of parenting. Oh well. I thought tonight that perhaps I should have prayed for those parents in keeping with Southeast's new vision of being a praying church. I have been very diligant about praying for those I pass on the street, those in my neighborhood, and even people in the grocery store. In fact, it was tonight while shopping that I was "priding" myself on taking this being a praying church motto so serious as I was praying for those who were shopping with me. Then the Lord pointed out how I didn't pray for any of the parents (or children) today and Chick-fil-A... oops! Thank goodness for grace! :)

This afternoon was nice at home. Did some laundry, played with the children, and spent time with my husband. Can't beat that. We loaded everyone up in the car and headed down to UL for their family fun night, "Cards Under the Stars" -- on the way there, Havana was sighing pretty loudly in the car in the backseat. I turned to Jason and asked if she had asthma. He said no and that she was doing what I do when I'm bored - sighing. I laughed because I had no idea that I do that. He laughed because he pictured Havana running up asking him if she has asthma because mommy thought she did. So, I'm a little dramatic. :)

UL was fun! I love being on that campus. Havana loved the bounce houses and she did really well keeping her own with the big kids. She really is quite fearless. She enjoyed dancing to the music and popping bubbles. To a child, I guess it really was a magical night. After we left UL we drove to our favorite little mexican place that is truly a hole in the wall. Jason took me there once when we were dating and I almost didn't eat there because of how it looked... but boy was it good. It is very close to campus (as well as Jason's old apartment and our first house) and so we went there a lot and it was actually the last meal we had in louisville before moving away in 2006. Tonight was our first night back and I am happy to report that it is still just as good. Seriously, the best dinner I've had in a while.

We came home and after we put the children to bed - I left for the grocery. I had a fun Friday night and I was dressed up... going out to the grocery by myself just added to the amazing night. I was embarrassed at how relaxing the grocery was when I was out with no children. It made me giddy - I know, I'm a nerd. I came home feeling as if I had gotten a massage. Okay, maybe not that good, but still very nice! :)

Room Time

I haven't written about room time for a while. Sadly, between vacation and the lack of AV in our house - we have not been able to do room time very often. However, we were able to do it today. Both children are comfortably staying in their rooms for 15 minutes which gives me enough time to hop in a quick shower. Havana does not cry at all anymore, but she does still throw toys over the gate after about 5 minutes in her room. Today - I noticed that she wasn't by the gate when room time was finished and there actually weren't many toys in the hall. When room time is over I always clap my hands and call down that hall, "Havana, you did! You had a good room time!" and when she hears me coming she starts clapping and runs to the gate to greet me with her sign for "all done." However, today, she did not come to greet me. I get to the gate and call for her again. That's when I hear a panicked "mom-mom" -- she had shut herself into her closet (which has no light) and could not get out. Poor girl... although I have to admit, it made me laugh! :)

Worn Down...

I don't know why, but for the past two days I have been struggling. It could be the fact that there is still no AC in our house and while over the weekend we were blessed with a few beautiful days -- it has returned again to the 90 degree heat and we are all sleeping in the living room. One or two days, sure that is adventure, three weeks... well, not so much. I feel so sorry for my kiddos, but they are doing really well with being flexible. I am not. Yesterday I kept praying for grace because I found myself wanting to snap at everyone.

I've been struggling with feeding Jonah too. He has slowed down a lot with his weight gain, which is fine, but I want to make sure he is still getting enough to eat. I've noticed over the past week that my milk supply is drying up. This didn't happen with Havana. I weaned her on my own by the time she was 10 months, but I never "ran out" -- I'm running out with Jonah. At his feeding times, he'll eat all that is there and still want more... I don't have any more to give him. No problem, you say, just give him a bottle?! Well, he won't take one. He still refuses bottles. So, I've been feeling worn down because I'm getting worried that he isn't getting enough. We started him on rice cereal on the 4th because of how hungry he seems. He did well with it and on the 5th and 6th he ate three bowls of rice cereal (mixed with formula) a day. Today, he has refused to eat the rice cereal. I switched the type of formula i was mixing it with and so I'm not sure if that is the reason why. Not really sure why. Poor guy. I am weary...

Don't get me wrong, still love being a wife and mama... but I've been super emotional and somewhat crabby the past 24 hours. I think it is more the heat and lack of sleep (the couch is only so comfortable...) than anything else. Hopefully soon we will have a working AC or cool fall days... either one is fine with me... just as long as we can sleep in our own rooms and have full reign of the house again instead of all piling into our kitchen/living room.

In other news... Jonah rolled all the way over! Yesterday he was getting very close and I wanted to capture this moment on film. I had a camera on him all day yesterday. However, he never made it completely. This morning, about 3:30AM ... I wake up to him grunting a lot. Remember, he is sleeping on the floor and I'm on the couch. I look over, and there he is on his belly. HA! Little man rolled all the way over, but alas, I had no camera to capture the moment. I turned him back around and proudly went back to sleep. Way to go, little man! So, technically, today (the 8th) was his first day to roll over.

I have discovered (yet again) that I should never underestimate Havana! :) I was cooking dinner the other night, Jonah was sitting in his swing, and Jason was outside pulling up weeds. I had my back to Havana who was playing on the floor and then all of a sudden I hear water running. My first thought was that Jason had come inside and started washing his hands. Nope, Havana had pulled one of the kitchen chairs over to our wet bar and proceeded to climb up it, turn the water on, and wash her hands. I laughed so hard! She is so funny and she can really help herself to anything in this house - yikes! :)

She has become best friends with side walk chalk these days. Every night she wants to go out on the driveway and color. I enjoy playing with her daily. Jonah is becoming very playful himself. I am excited for the two of them to start playing together a little more. Today, we went to the zoo and Havana was driving a truck and I put Jonah in the passenger seat. I'm not sure if he enjoyed it so much, but it was fun to see them in there together.

It is funny to watch how different God made them! Havana loves adventures! She loves swings, slides, running, and anything new and exciting. She gets very excited about little things. I'm pretty sure she will love roller coasters since she loves slides and spinning and she loved all the rides at Disney World last year. She gets eager to go places and become involved in things.

Jonah, he doesn't really care where we are. We've put him in a swing and he seems pretty indifferent. Havana's first time on the swing she was squealing with delight. I think Jonah will be more cautious and even tempered (like his daddy!) but I also think that sometimes he prefers to sit in the stroller or his car seat. I took the children to "Mother Goose on the Loose" yesterday which is a singing/dancing sort of story time at a local library. Havana loves it, loves clapping, dancing, and singing. Jonah sat on my lap and didn't seem to enjoy it very much. I ended up putting him in his car seat towards then end, and once he was in there, he finally smiled and began sucking his thumb. I think he just likes to chill. Cute, content little boy.

I love seeing how God made them different. They are both such miracles. You know, it was a year ago today that we found out we were pregnant with Jonah/Jonas (his twin who we lost around the 8th week). I have prayed that perhaps we will have another opportunity to parent twins - either biological or adopted - we'll see. I remember when we found out we were pregnant I was joking with Jason that I thought it was going to be twins... and it was! I miss and love Jonas!

Please pray that I have grace with my children today. I want to show them each day about the love of God and I fear I don't do that very well when I'm worn down...

Mister Jonah is 4 Months!!!

Today is Jonah's "Month Day" -- I can't believe he is 4 months old. We haven't been to the doctor yet for his check-up, but I know he is over 17 pounds. What a big boy. He's getting so strong and big. He can roll over onto his side, but can't make it all the way over unless I help him. He first rolled onto his side while we were on vacation. We started calling him a "puma" for being so agile. :)

Yesterday Havana laid down next to him and he rolled on his side to pull her hair. She moved away and he tried to roll more to grab her hair again. I was excited for their interaction (even though it was not a nice thing for him to do :) and for his intentional movements.

He is such a blessing.

I Love St. Joe!

Well, our first vacation as a family of 4 was a success! We survived the 5 hour car ride and laughed very hard.

We were gone for six days, but it felt like six weeks because of how relaxing it was. We rented a 4 bedroom house which was beautiful and actually very baby friendly. :) We would spend our mornings visiting local parks, museums, or the neighborhood pool. Nap times came after lunch and then once nap time was over - we would hit the beach for the rest of the day. Havana LOVED the beach! This was her third trip to a beach and she has loved it every time (wonder where she gets that from? :). Jason and I would take turns chasing her around while the other one would lay out with Jonah. So nice!

We would head home, feed Havana dinner, and then once she and Jonah were in bed we would get take out and eat it on the deck overlooking the river. I really can't remember a setting that we visited daily that was so romantic. I loved it. We would stay out looking at the moon over the river until the wee hours of the night. I would unwind with a relaxing bath each night in an amazing bath tub. I never would have thought that a trip with two children could be so relaxing and romantic - but it was just that! Aw, I love vacation! :)

We came home and had high hopes of getting our AC fixed. Yeah right, nothing in this house can be easy. We apparently have a HUGE leak that will require us to replace the AC part by part. However, the Home Warranty people are shopping around for the parts and once they find the price they like - they will ship it to the repair men... so, we have been two weeks now without AC and the temps have been in the 90s. So. Hot.

Thankfully, we've been able to borrow some window AC units from a friend and so have made our downstairs somewhat "comfortable." Jason, Havana, Jonah, Tucker, and myself have all been living on the first floor of our house... and it has been a little cramped, but still nice. Jason and I are sleeping on the couch which is an adventure of sorts. We're living on top of each other, the house is impossible to keep clean, and yet... I'm incredibly happy just being with my family. I am blessed.

There were certainly some stressful times. Especially before we were able to get the window units. You know me - I'm very dramatic, but all the house repairs have finally started wearing on Jason. The day we found out that it would be at least another week before we might get everything repaired Jason left for work and said, "I'm sorry our lives our so hard right now. This time I agree, our lives our bad." Ha. Clearly, our "lives" are not bad, but these stupid home repairs are adding up and becoming one big headache after another. There were a few times when I was so hot in our house that I found myself wanting to snap at Jason and even Havana even though I wasn't upset with them at all. Most of the time I was able to bite my tongue, but once Jason asked "what's the matter?" when I was short with him and I said that I wasn't upset with him, but that I was hot. I found it to be one of those moments of growth where I couldn't allow my circumstances to run my attitude. It isn't fair to my husband or my children to take out my "heat" on them. They are hot too. Snapping because I'm tired, hungry, hot, or whatever is wrong on my part. When I do it - I must apologize.

Fast Forward a few days...

Both children are sleeping (really, I've been blessed with two children who sleep 12 hours) and I'm in the living room with Jason. He's watching a football game he recorded earlier and I'm working on my blog. :) Tonight college football started up... we watched the Ohio State tonight. Jonah even wore his Ohio State shirt. Jason was proud! Jason is on cloud nine that he is watching a 2nd game in the same day. Back-to-back games makes him happy. He is currently watching the Bengals vs. the Colts. He's cheering for the Bengals and I'm screaming for the Colts. It is only pre-season so I'm still willing to update the blog during the game. :) I'm very excited for a football this weekend between the home rivals of UK-UL. Go Cards! :) Jason and I never turn the TV on when Havana is awake. Just a rule we have. She only gets a few shows a day at certain times of the day, but other than those shows, the TV remains off. So, on nights like tonight when games are on while she's awake - we have to DVR them and start them when she goes to bed. I'm okay with that rule because I like being a family that never has the TV on - even the news! Not worth taking my time away from my family.

Tonight Havana crawled on her knees. Not her hands and knees. Just her knees. I don't know why, but it made me laugh until I cried. She looked so big and so funny. I don't know what made her do it, but I'm laughing now remembering it. She had speech therapy today- I see improvements - huge improvements in her speech, but she is still so far behind. Poor girl. I really pray that she can begin to express herself better, but also praying that she does not become insecure with her ability to say words.

This week I signed up for a women's Bible study that starts on the 15th. I was a little hesitant to make that commitment for a few reasons... the biggest one being that Havana will have to go to the nursery for two hours every Wednesday. She doesn't do well during the one hour every weekend - how will she handle two additional hours? We talked about this a lot over vacation - was it right to push her? However, we decided that 1. This would be good for me... to meet other women and grow in my faith. 2. It could help Havana to continue to become comfortable with the nursery rooms at church - she will now be going three times a week (weekend service, B-stud, and once with mommy to clean the toys in the nursery). Also, in the B-stud time slot - she will be with a small group of children and the same ones every week. So she can make friends which might help her become more comfortable. Overall, we are praying for her to do well and praying for her to love church as much as we do.

Jonah man is doing so great. He will be 4 months tomorrow! Wow, I can't believe he's already 4 months old, but at the same time sometimes I feel like our family really blossomed after his arrival. The last 4 months have been the happiest times we've had (house problems and all)! :) We are so lucky to have such a content and precious little boy. He's become a chatter box lately which makes us laugh. He is doing very well with purposely reaching for and playing with toys. I love his double handed grip on things as he brings them to his mouth.

I love my family... thanks for letting me brag about them! :)