Chuck-E-Cheese

A few weeks ago Jason suggested that we take the children to Chuck-E-Cheese for our morning outing. We hadn't been there since Jonah's birthday so I happily agreed. I mean, we avoid the food at all costs, but going there is always fun for the kids (and for the husband who enjoys playing pop-a-shot).

It was neat for me to watch Havana and Jonah. Havana wanted to play Skeeball, but she didn't always grasp the concept. She quickly grew bored and then played a game on one of the rides. She imagined she was a "wonder pet" and would sing the wonder pet theme song as she road this ride. She certainly was in her own little world and it was captivating to watch.

Jonah, on the other hand, wanted nothing to do with the rides. He insisted on playing any of the ball games. He played the pop-a-shot with his dad and the child version of one. If you tried to redirect him he would get frustrated and say, "ball" and just walk back to one of the ball games. There were some older kids (about 8) there and they were playing basketball and Jonah walked up to them with no fear and said "ball" and tried to play with them. It was so funny to watch!

As I took all of this in I noted how Havana and Jonah are so wonderfully different. Havana is shy, she enjoys singing, she uses her imagination to pretend she is part of a TV show... Jonah doesn't think twice about going up to older kids, he only wants to play ball... don't try to make him do anything else. It was fun to watch their personalities gravitate towards their passions. I love that my kiddos are different and into different things. I am looking forward to discovering more about Selah's interests. Each child is fearfully and wonderfully made!

Talking up a storm!

Dear Jonah,

You, my boy, amaze me. I had no idea kids this young talk so much. You can say anything... and most of the time when you say something I'm unaware that you even knew what something was. For example, the other night I was holding a graham cracker and you looked at it and said, "eat graham cracker." I didn't even know you knew what they were called! Today you looked at Havana and said, "I love Havana." What?! You're only 16 months old... really... and you can put words together?! I'm so impressed!

Here's a list of some of the other words/phrases you can say, "Daddy, Mommy, Tucker, Havana, Eat, Bottle, Poo Poo, Up, Down, Do it again, Little Buddy, Open, Let's Go, There you go, Grandaddy, Cookie, Black, White, Apple, Bible, Eyes, Nose, Car, Ball, Ice Cream, Drink, All Done, More, Swing, Hello, Bye Bye, Book, Read, Pop, Hammer, Amen, Wow... etc.

The other day I was working in the kitchen while you were sitting at your high chair. I heard you saying "I" "I" "I" the I heard "Ose" "Ose" "Ose" -- I wasn't paying close attention so i said, "oh are you saying your vowel sounds, "A, E, I, O, and U" -- but then I look up at you are pointing to you eyes saying, "eye" then to your nose and you said "Ose." Um, I about fainted because I have never, ever once reviewed your body parts with you! How in the world did you know where your eyes and nose were? I asked you to show me your ears - you did. Your mouth- you did. Your hair - you did! I later found out your daddy had been teaching you those things, but I'm still amazed at how smart you are!!!

I'm having fun with you these days. We have this game where I will fake cough and then you will fake cough and then we both laugh. It goes on for several minutes and I never get sick of it. You also get so excited about playing hide-n-seek. You are in that fun phase where when you can't see us you assume that we can't see you. So you'll cover your eyes and then you will breath very heavy with excitement over when we will find you.  It is pure joy. And, boy, you are in love with balls. Any and every kind of ball. There are balls in your room and you point them out while we change your diapers. There are some on your sheets and you often point and them and yell, "ball" when you're in your crib. You have learned where we keep the balls in the garage and you are on a mission to get them as soon as we head to the car. You even see balls when I have no idea they are around. We were playing outside and you freaked out and started screaming, "Ball!" "Ball!" "Ball!" I said, "Jonah, there are no balls out here." But, of course, you were looking two doors down and they had a ball in their yard! I can't believe you noticed it! Or we will be at the store and you'll yell ball and I'll look around and someone is wearing a shirt with ball. You're amazing and I can't wait to see your athletic ability develop!

I love you, little man! And I'm so proud of your speech! Oh, and I'm so proud that you have learned how to walk... September 1st you became a walker! Now, you're a walker and a talker. :) Love you, Bubs!

My Funny Firstborn!!!!

Dear Havana,

You are so funny! I have been trying to write down all the funny things you do and say in order to remember them, but that is becoming hard because you are constantly making me laugh! I love watching you use your imagination, improve in your speech, and become who the Lord has made you to be! Here are some of my favorites:

• We were getting in the car and after I sat down behind the wheel you said, "vana drive." I explained that you couldn't driving, but that mommy was driving. Without missing a beat you said, "Baby Jonah drive?" -- I laughed wondering if my driving scares you. 
• There is a billboard with a picture of the Mona Lisa on it. You love that billboard. You always look for it and yell, "Hi Mona Lisa!" when we pass it. The other day you were drawing and I asked you what you were drawing and you said, " the Mona Lisa" - you are my little artist. :) Speaking of drawing, the other day in the car you were drawing and you pointed to your picture and said, "baby Jonah." I looked at the picture and it was a clear face! I was so proud and filled with laughter! You are so cute.

• We tried potty training you recently. You really enjoyed sitting on the big girl potty. You would sit on there for a long time and you would say, "Vana sit on big girl potty. Vana big girl." However, my sweet girl, you never actually went to the bathroom. When you had to go you would scream, "no sit on big girl potty. Vana sit in diaper." Needless to say, we put a pause on the potty training. ;) 
• You're getting very into the "big girl" -- you want to eat "like a big girl" drink water "like a big girl" and sit in the "big girl swing" - it is fun to watch you mature.  
• You are certainly becoming "mommy's little helper" - you help me out a lot by obeying, picking up your toys, and feeding tucker. Whenever Jason walks out of the house with a trash bag you yell, "vana help" and you help him walk it to the curb!
• You are wanting to dress up like mommy too! You'll put on my shoes or my jewelry and pretend to be me. This warms my heart. Today you were wearing my tennis shoes and then you picked up my Bible study book and said, "my read this too." I loved that you associated me with a Bible study book! I hope I continue to set that example for you!
• You have some interesting ideas of what mommy looks like. There is billboard by the zoo with a photo of Paula Dean.  You insist that is mommy. Not sure what I think about that one, dear child. :) You also think Jodi Benson (the host of God Made Me) looks like me and whenever she comes on the show you scream, "mama." The other person you seem to think is me is a character from a Dr. Seuss book. In Green Eggs and Ham there is "Sam I Am" and the "person" (aka creature) who won't try the green eggs. Well, that unnamed person you insist is mommy. Thanks, Honey. :) 

• When reading your books, your newest thing is "matching." You will match up pictures. If on one page there is a picture of a girl eating and then someone else is eating a few pages later, you flip back and look at both illustrations. You do this with everything. You even make connections that I didn't know where there. We have a book of several of the Princess stories and if the prince is wearing a cape in the Sleeping Beauty story - you will flip to the Snow White story and look at the prince wearing a cape in that one too. It amazes me that you can seem to find a "matching" connection in whatever book we are reading. You are so smart.
• Speaking of the Princess book - you are getting into the whole Princess theme. It started back at Disney World when your room was decorated with the Princesses. Then we came home and you had princess pajamas. Then you started reading their stories. We insert the songs from the move into the books and you love to sing and dance. The other day I walked into your room and you were dressed up in a crown, fancy dress, and you were wearing some jewelry. You told me you were "Aurora."  I love watching this Princess stage and I'm fairly certain we'll be having a princess themed birthday party! 

• You LOVE to sing. In fact, last weekend when I picked you up from the nursery I said, "I'm here to get Havana." The nursery volunteer said, "Oh Havana, she is such a good singer." You sing constantly. You recently went through a "Little Miss Muffett phase where you sang that often. One day I walked into a room and you were standing on a stool with a microphone singing that song and acting it out. It was precious to watch because you had no idea I was there. Currently you love the "Wonder Pets" theme song and "Jesus Loves Me"
• Every night before bed we do "shadows" on the wall. We go in the same order every night: bunny, cow, butterfly, sheep, duck, horse/donkey. Well, the other day I was changing your diaper and you were holding your Pluto and you noticed his shadow on the wall. You lit up and said, "First we do bunny (made Pluto do the bunny shadow), second we do cow..." and I laughed so hard. I loved watching you pretend, but that is also the first time I heard you use the words "first" and "second" and so forth. Smart cookie! :) 
• watch you play with him. Often times when you are singing a song you will run up to him and get in his face and sing it really loudly... I tell myself you are trying to teach it to him, but I'm not sure if that is it or not. We recently taught you all how to play tag (which ended up being me running between the two of you while you both sat laughing in the yard) and Hide-n-Seek. It is fun that we're getting to that "game" stage with you all. The other day you and Jonah were playing on your bed and you leaned down to give him a kiss on the cheek. He moved away after your kiss and you said, "No baby Jonah, on the mouth." and then you pinned him down and planted a huge kiss on his mouth. He just sat there wide eyed. I laughed until I cried. Not all of your interactions with Jonah are sweet, however. You've come up with this new phrase, "No, Baby, that's mine." You will say it whenever he is getting too close to something you are playing with. We have tried to tell you that when you say that phrase you aren't having a good heart... hopefully if we are consistent you will stop saying that. 

• You were giving Jonah a hug recently and you hugged him so hard that he fell and hit his head on the kitchen floor. I watched the whole thing and so I know your heart was in the right spot, but I still told you to go and sit on the couch until I was able to come talk to you. That is where I send you when you are in trouble. I comfort Jonah and then go over and talked to you. I talked about how we need to be gentle, but stressed that I knew your heart was in the right place so you aren't in trouble. Once I was done talking I told you that you were allowed to get up and as soon as you stood up you said, "now I spank your bottom" and you spanked your own bottom (which is what I do after talking with you on the couch if you have disobeyed). I tried to explain that because your heart was right you didn't deserve a spanking this time, but I'm not sure you grasped that. :) 
• I did ask you once why were you being mean to Jonah. A question I ask you a lot. Your answer was, "because I was mean to Jonah." I know I shouldn't have, but I started laughing. I really, really try hard to not laugh when disciplining you, but sometimes it is difficult. Anyway, I was really proud of the fact you used the word "because" - we have been trying to teach you to answer us with more than a one word answer. 
• In regards to your speech you continue to make progress. Last weekend when I picked you up from the nursery at church we were walking in the hallways and I asked you what you learned about. you told me you learned about King David. I asked why did Samuel choose King David and you told me "because he had a good heart." Another mom heard my conversation and asked how old you were. I said 2.5 and she was shocked and said, "so is my daughter and we don't have conversations like that." Now, I'm not celebrating her daughter's delay by any means, but I was so happy to hear someone compliment your speech! You are awesome, little one! 

Those are just a few of the highlights that I've been storing up in my heart. I love being your mama and watching you grow! You are my very funny firstborn!

Missing Elijah...

Tonight everyone (including my sweet newborn and my handsome husband) in my house was alseep shortly after 9pm. With  four people snoozing upstairs I crept downstairs and made dinner for tomorrow night (meals you assemble the night before are my favorite). In the quiet of my downstairs I simply began to let my mind wander and I must admit that I became quite emotional. Perhaps the Wilson Philips Station I was listening to on Pandora (don't judge me!) was to blame, but more than anything, I kept coming back to dear sweet Elijah.

Our 2nd ultrasound photo of Elijah - here he is around 7 weeks! 

So many of my friends have had miscarriages lately and my heart is heavy for them knowing the road they are walking. In a couple of weeks it will be the 4 year anniversary of when we lost our oldest. I can't believe it has been four years... the pain has certainly lessened with time, but my love for him has only increased and the void of his little life often fills my thoughts. Then, my thoughts took a dangerous turn as I thought about the other babies we lost. I thought about our failed adoption - if we had not lost Elijah we would not have pursued that particular adoption and thus would never would have experienced that horrific loss. I also wonder if we would have lost Jonah's twin, Jonas, too. There was one cycle between Havana and Jonah that I thought perhaps was a miscarriage - still to this day I'm not 100% sure even though I think it was - and I wonder if I would have given it a second thought if we had never lost Elijah because I wouldn't have been so hyper-sensitive about the loss of a baby. In the stillness of my kitchen I began to grieve all those losses again.

Don't get me wrong, I'm in love with my life. I've been blessed with three AMAZING children who capture my heart and take my breath away every day. The pain Jason and I experienced together brought us so much closer and deeper and I often appreciate that. I am incredibly happy and thankful for the place the Lord has brought me... but sometimes the pain comes back so unexpectedly. I look at Jonah and daily wonder what it would be like with two little boys. I'm convinced they would be quite a pair. I wonder what personality type Elijah would have had. I wonder what my daughter who is being raised by her birthmother is doing this very moment. Is she safe? Does she know how special and loved she is? Does she know there is someone who prays for her every night?

As I think these thoughts... my heart is full of love and a hint of sadness for my babies who never came home. And in that moment in the kitchen where it was just me and my emotions... I felt the arms of Jesus Christ wrap around me so strongly and so securely. And in that embrace I simply rested and took comfort knowing that one of the reasons Jesus came to the earth was to be able to say, "I've walked where you are. I know the pain. I understand..."

I am blessed to be married to an incredible man. He makes me feel safe, loved, beautiful, etc. He gives me the freedom to be me (ugly parts and all!). Hearing his voice when he calls to say he is on his way home from work fills me with such warmth and peace. His arms provide a safe haven for me to find healing, forgiveness, and comfort. Yet, as amazing as all that is, it pales in comparison to the perfect healing, strength, beauty, forgiveness, comfort, love, and acceptance I find in Jesus' arms. He came to rescue me from all my sin, from all the scars I have from living in a fallen world, from all the heart ache. His love is not conditional, it has no limitations, it has no selfish motives... it is simply... love. In those moments I weep - He weeps with me. In those painful moments he whispers, "my grace is sufficient for you."

My challenge is sitting still enough in His arms to recieve all that He wants to lavish on me. More often than not I simply don't give Him that time. I remember after we lost Elijah I went through very deep depression. The type where I couldn't get out of bed. Jason was in residency during the time and so I had ample time to be with Jesus. He held onto me so tightly and didn't call me out of my grieving too early. Tonight in the kitchen I experienced that comfort again. It brought a smile to my face as I thought about the promise that He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. I love resting in His arms and living in the promise that the next time my life seems to be shattering around me I can cling to the promise that He will be there. He will rescue. He will heal. He is faithful. And in that comforting promise I will drift off to sleep tonight.
  
"Oh Praise the One who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead."