Havana is 9 Months Old... and other stuff!!!!

Those are some of my favorite photos from the past month!!!! It has been a fun month as Havana loves playing! She is so much fun and we spend our days playing with her toys, singing songs (she has a very high pitched voice), dancing, playing with friends, some days swimming or the zoo, reading, snuggling, and just enjoying time together. Jason has given me the greatest gift by allowing me to be a stay at home mom!!!! While there are some days that I think I could do an outside job so much better than I do the whole mommy thing - I really wouldn't trade it for the world. It is a 24/7 job with no breaks, no days off, and it is the best!!!!

At her 9 month appointment a few weeks ago Havana was 29 3/4 inches long (97%) and 18 pounds, 9 ounces (50%). She has been rolling around for a long time, but just today (August 3rd) she started crawling!!!! She can also pull herself up into a stand and has been known to take a few shaky steps from time to time. She is still a very good sleeper and sleeps about 10-12 hours at night and during the day takes 2, 2 hour naps. There are some days when she doesn't think she needs to sleep for the entire 2 hours - but we don't go in and get her until the two hours is up and on those days it is fun to watch her (in the video monitor) play with her toys and books that are in her crib. She has such an imagination already!

Everyone (including Jason) is saying they are starting to see more of me in her appearance! I'm happy to hear that! :) Her personality is developing and she certainly takes after me in that regard! She is outgoing, funny, loves being the center of attention, dramatic, and a chatter box! :) She is also very stubborn and SASSY!!!!! Yep, just like her mama! Sometimes I just wonder what God has in store for her life. What is He going to use her personality to accomplish?! The possibilities are endless, but we pray daily for her to love the Lord with her whole heart and for protection from the Evil One. I can't wait to see how He uses her!

Jason and I feel so blessed to finally be a mommy and daddy. We've never been happier and we've never been closer. It warms my heart to see Jason interact with his daughter and just today he told me how glad he was that I am the mommy to his children! It certainly has deepened our relationship and we do feel very blessed to have Havana. However, as I mentioned last month, our struggle with infertility continues and this past month has proven to be another bump in the road.

We've been using ovulation predictor kits in hopes of them helping us conceive! Last month we saw an "LH Surge" and we were very thrilled. We were so happy to see that you would have thought we had gotten a positive pregnancy test. After seeing that, I contacted a few close friends and asked them to be praying for us over the next few days - that a baby would be conceived. It didn't take too long - about a week or so - after I ovulated for me to start "feeling" pregnant - tired, headache, etc. I was so excited and even told Jason that I thought it was a boy! I was incredibly happy thinking that for once things were going to easy for us and that I would be normal!

My whole life I had wanted my first two children back to back... super close together. When we found out about the adoption and the pregnancy last March I remember thinking that this was God's way of making that come true! 2 children, 6 months apart... I was on could 9 and had such joy at the thought of it. Double the blessing after waiting for so long. Sadly, as you know, that wasn't the way it happened. I am still devastated over the loss of our precious adopted daughter, but thought perhaps we would have two biological children close together. Jason and I talked about trying for our 2nd baby in hopes to conceive quickly and then adopting our third as if we went the adoption route for our 2nd baby we would take a while (we would have to wait until Havana is a year to even get on the waiting list, then wait to get picked, and then wait for the baby to be born and see if the birthmother goes through with it) and we didn't want that much space between our first children. We kept thinking that if we had 2 then we would be so busy that waiting for our third child wouldn't seem as long and painful as it does now. So... as we've stated before, we've been trying to conceiving since Havana was 6 weeks old. I was hoping it would happen by the time she was 6 months or at least 9 months. 9 months to me would be the last "okay" month as that would put our children 18 months apart which would still be close together. I could picture it, it seemed perfect... so, seeing the LH surge last month made me think perhaps things would be just as we planned them and perhaps the Lord was going to truly grant us the desires of our heart.

However, as always, things just can't be easy for us... I began bleeding on the 24th of July... which was the same day as Havana's 9 month appointment. Sorry if this is too personal or too much information, but I am just expressing my heart... you see, we believe that bleeding was actually an early miscarriage. It was not at the "normal time", it was VERY Painful, VERY heavy, VERY clotted, and along with it all, I felt a horrible sense of loss that I can't put into words but felt after our other losses. We will never know for sure, this side of heaven, if it truly was a miscarriage or not, but I believe in my heart it was. Those events have really brought everything back in such real ways... the pain and frustration of infertility, the sadness of all the losses, the inadequacy I feel as a woman feeling as if I can't do my job, I can give Jason the family he wants, etc. etc. The past two weeks have been very heart breaking as I feel like my vision and dream for my family and having two children close together is slipping through my fingers and there is NOTHING I can do to stop it or put it back together. I'm completely out of control, completely helpless, completely heart broken!

What do we have to do to be normal? To be like most couples who can get pregnant easily or without even trying?! Why does our story have to be filled with bumps and heart aches?! We were talking about this last night before bed because Jason brought up our adopted daughter and the still very real pain of her loss... he ended up saying at some point during the conversation, "I guess God has a different vision for our family than we do." And with that I cried... why?! I've been praying for God to give me the same vision and desire He has for our family... why are they still so different?

The night the bleeding started, I told Jason that I was going to ask God when we get to heaven WHY?! Why did other people not struggle with this and we did?! Jason spoke truth into my life by reminding me of how God answers Job's questions: "Where you there when I formed the foundations of the earth?!" A few days later, we visited Southeast Christian Church, where the minister spoke about that very same passage. God's been pursuing me in that regard ever since and last week I spent about 3 days reading the book of Jonah... yes, that short book has spoken volumes to me. I could relate to Jonah who does not like or agree with the way God is handling things. While I don't think God is choosing to give us infertility (just a result of living in a fallen world) - He is allowing us to go through this. I'm don't really struggle with "why us" but I do struggle with "why them?" -- why are other people allowed to get pregnant so easily... I get frustrated with that more than I do with the fact we can't. Jason says that we can't play the comparison game with other couples, and he is right, but it is so hard not to! But, we're working through all of these emotions and struggles and are choosing to love and trust the Lord no matter what! It is just a process and some days I do a lot better with it than others. Please continue to pray for us and for our family.

In other (and lighter) news, Jason started his real job on July 4th and he has truly enjoyed it. His new schedule is AMAZING!!! I think I have seen him more this past month than I have our entire relationship!!! He is working, on average, 12 days out of the month (8-9 hours days) and in the month of July had 19 days off! Certainly not what we are used to, but we are loving it! The time together is sweet and we've been able to knock down our "to do" list with great aggression! We certainly feel blessed for Jason to have the job at the hospital he does because I doubt many people have such an ideal schedule!

As always, thanks for reading and caring! We continue to feel blessed by everyone's support.

8 months

Hi Friends!

I know, I'm horrible at updating the blog! I do hope to get better and my goal is a new blurb (or at least a photo) once a month, but that has been my goal all along and you can see how well that is working out! :)

Havana is now 8 months old -- wow! Where does the time go? It really does feel like just yesterday that she was born and now she's 8 months old... it makes me realize that the next 4 months will fly by and soon Havana will be one! One... I am doing my best to cherish every stage and I really feel like I've done a good job with that. I remember when she was a newborn and getting up in the middle of the night to feed her I kept cherishing those moments -- I used them as prayer time, but also I just knew they wouldn't last long. I'm trying to keep that mentality with everything - to cherish it, even if it is hard or challenging, because it will soon be over.

Havana is a mover... she rolling (not yet crawling, but close) all over the place and we are quickly learning how our house is not baby proofed as we once thought! Ha. A few weeks ago, in the matter of 30 minutes, she rolled over and pulled down my scrapbooks... then I was changing her diaper and found paper in her mouth (where she got it, I still don't know)... and then i put her back down and went to wash my hands... i came back and she had rolled across the room and was putting Tucker's peanut butter kong in her mouth! Whew! I laughed so hard! We are having so much fun - we go to the zoo at least once a week, the Children's museum often, and our new favorite summer activity -- SWIMMING. She is such a little fish and is so happy in the water. We have spent over three hours straight one time just swimming and splashing. When we are at home, she loves playing with Tucker and her toys... we make up dances and sing songs all day. I am having a BLAST being a mommy... actually that is an understatement... I have no words to describe my delight with my role as mommy! I knew I wanted to be a mom but I didn't know how much I would just relish in my role. I never knew how much fun doing the honkey pokey really is! I am so blessed and God is entrusting us with a very special girl. I do feel as if she is going to have such a heart for the Lord. Now that we are eating, we say prayers before each meal... and we have "family devotions" every night which include a Bible story and prayers, but more than that, I've made her "changing table time" talking time... where I talk to her about God. The other day we talked about how she is an ambassador for Christ to everyone she knows from her siblings, to her grandparents, to her classmates... the next day, we talked about how God made her body special and for a purpose. I am really challenged to make those conversations special and to actually plan out what we are going to talk about and what truths I want her to learn.

Jason is enjoying fatherhood! In fact, I've never seen a father like him before. He is so involved in Havana's life - he knows her likes and dislikes, her schedule, her cries, and even the words to her favorite songs. He is very invested in her life and I am so proud of the father he is. He challenges me to be a better mommy each and every day and he's never slow to help me out. I love that i can leave him with her and not have to tell him what and when she needs to eat or sleep -- he knows. I have such a peace when I leave. It is very evident that Havana loves her daddy as she lights up every time he walks into the room. Those two are very close and I pray daily it will always stay that way.

In other news, we do want a second baby soon! We've been wanting one since Havana was about 5 minutes old! :) We have been very open to getting pregnant... well, forever. We will never be a couple that prevents pregnancy. For me, and a little for Jason too, the feelings connected with infertility quickly have come back. We've been trying for over 6 months with no luck and while I do appreciate the gift of Havana and I'm not taking away from the joy we have in her... I do get sad and frustrated that we've not been able to get pregnant yet. We will adopt a few children into our family no matter what and so we are looking into re-opening our adoption file (we can't, by law, until Havana is one years old) so we are just going to keep trying and seeing if we get pregnant before that or if we will choose to adopt next. Either way, I am already praying for our next baby.

I am starting to realize that our infertility journey is never really going to be over. We are always going to feel as if part of our family is missing, because it is... we have a baby in heaven waiting for us and a daughter out in the foster care system somewhere that we love and pray for daily. We are also never going to forget the pain we went through before Havana arrived and the frustration that continues as we desire to have a big family (5, 6, 7 kids... whatever the Lord allows) and while we know all our children won't be biological (and we WANT it that way... we still really WANT to adopt) we would like to think it would be "easy" to get pregnant and we know it is not. It seems so unnatural to me that getting pregnant is this hard and Satan often whispers that I'm not doing my duty as a woman... but I am also learning (and relearning) that I'm okay with our journey.

Do I like it? NO! Do I accept it? YES... what choice do I have... but on top of that... this is the road the Lord has led us on. Did He cause it? NO, but He has a plan! He knows our desires to have a big family and He wants to bless us, but He wants us to trust Him. I liken it to a caravan! If I'm following someone in my car and they know where they are going and I don't... I watch that car and try to stay right behind it. If I loose sight of it or something obstructs my view of that car - I do what I can to quickly find it and get behind it again so that I can reach the proper destination. Jesus is driving that car - He knows where He wants to take it. I'm trying to follow closely and while yes, I do loose sight of it, I'm getting better about looking for the car and being OKAY with following instead of trying to drive the lead car. I don't know what the rest of my life looks like, but He does. I often forget that He knows... He knows each of my children and what their names are (even though I don't even know that yet) and when they will be born. He knows what each day of my life looks like! Wow! When you hear that and let that sink in... how can you NOT fall to the ground and worship Him?! How can you not blindly follow and trust HIM?! Nothing else, no other religion, no man made plans... nothing... no nothing, can know our future, nothing can lead us on the path that we should go... nothing can compete for our worship! There is a verse in Proverbs (sorry don't know the exact reference) that says that in his head a man plans his way, but it is the Lord that directs his steps (or something like that) and I PRAY that my spirit can yield to what the Lord wants to do and the steps He wants me to take... despite the pain i might feel along the way. Everything will be worth it as it draws me closer to Him and just because I know I'm following the One True God - not matter what comes, that is my hope.

Well, I certainly didn't meant to type all that, but just wanted to share a bit of where we are! Thanks for all your prayers for our family. Please continue to pray for us and for Havana to be healthy and safe from all the evils of the world! :)

We love you all and we love Our Lord!

PS... Jason also is now out of residency and starts his job in Columbus, Indiana on July 4th! I'm so proud of him and all his hard work and success! He's truly my hero and is a wonderful ER doctor! :)

5 month update...

Hey Everyone,

As I write this, I wonder if anyone still checks this blog since I have not updated it in quite a long time!!!! Oh well, thank you faithful followers! :) Havana is 5 months old now and is so much fun! She is getting so big, so quickly that I often times wonder where the time has gone. This past week was full of a lot of "firsts" - - her first time to ride in a stroller without her car seat, the firs time to take a bath in a "big girl tub", her first trip to the zoo, her first rolling over, and her first solid food! Whew, that is a lot of changes!! :)

Havana is a little chatter box and talks all day long (gee, I wonder where she gets that). She's a very smart little girl and it is so much fun to watch her put things together. She loves to giggle and to get (and give) kisses. Now that spring weather is getting closer we've been taking family walks almost daily and also the trip to the zoo. She loves being outside and looking at things... at the zoo, the giraffes made her laugh!

Jason and I are enjoying parenthood very much! Jason is such an incredible daddy. He loves her so much... the other day I woke up at 6:45am and Jason wasn't in bed and I noticed the nursery door opened... so I sneak in and look and Jason is changing little H's diaper. I guess he had heard her and went to check on her before I woke up. Anyway, as he picked her back up I saw him give her kisses and whisper "Daddy loves you, Little girl" and then he wrapped her back up and rocked her to sleep -- allowing me to get another hour or two of sleep time! It warms my heart so much to watch them together. She loves being her daddy's girl, that is for sure.

She also is in love with Tucker!!! Her new favorite thing to do is pet him and pull his ears. I think she thinks he is a big stuffed animal. She always smiles and reaches for him whenever she sees him. I love seeing that too as Tucker is still very much a spoiled baby in our house! Whoever says that your feelings for your pets decreases when you have a baby must never have had a Tucker!!! :) I still lovingly refer to him as our "first born" and together he and Havana are "our Children" - :).

A few weekends ago we were able to dedicate Havana at church. This is just where Jason and I promise to raise her in a Christian home, teach her to have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, promise to pray for her daily, and also promise not to ever get a divorce. It was awesome and such a special day for us. I love my little family very much.

I won't lie, I still think about our adopted daughter daily... wondering what she is doing and praying that she will come to know Jesus as well. I will always love her as much as I love Havana and Elijah. I miss Elijah too and often think about being able to be with him in heaven. I love being a mommy and am in a really good place right now, but as I've said several times - Havana doesn't make me forget the pain we have gone through to get her.

In all honesty, I'm scared that adding children to our family will be hard. We've been trying to get pregnant again since December with no luck. I know Havana is young, but in our defense, when we knew we were going to have Havana we also thought we would be adopting a baby and for a long time we pictured our family with children 6 months apart. We loved that picture -- and we would still love to have two children close together - as back to back as possible. We still plan on adopting at least 2-3 children into our family, but we wouldn't be able to even go on the waiting list until November of 2009 and then who knows how long it will take to get chosen... so in my selfish/impatient way, I guess I dreamed of getting pregnant right away and then adopting our third and forth kiddos... however, I have learned all too well that i am not in charge of my fertility and that I can make all the plans in my head that I want, but that doesn't mean they will come to be. We are praying daily for God to show us what the next step for adding to our family will be, and until He makes it clear -- I'm content being Havana's mommy! She makes parenting a breeze!

Well, I'll pick a photo or two to add from her dedication, zoo trip, and her first feeding! Thanks everyone for your love and support. We love you all!