Dear Loved Ones,
Merry Christmas!!!! We sincerely hope and pray that your Christmas this year was not only a special time with family, but a time to truly remember Christ's birth and the reason He was born -- which was to die for our sins and offer us Salvation! Praise God!!!! How we love each of you so much. This Christmas has truly been such a special day for the three of us! Havana has such a wonderful first Christmas and for us, just looking at the little girl in our arms is the best gift we could have received this year. We have to been able to spend this entire week together. Monday was a relaxing day at home, Tuesday we traveled to Cincinnati for the day to visit family, Christmas Eve we went to our church as a family of three and had a wonderful time of focusing on Christ and the true meaning of Christmas! The service was amazing and we followed it up by going out to eat and then watching "The Nativity Story". This morning we woke up and Havana was able to open all her gifts not only from her mommy and daddy, but from others who love her so much! We are so thankful for your love for our daughter! We followed the gifts with a special "Birthday Breakfast" and then we all took naps. :) Tonight we are about to have a wonderful Christmas dinner while listening to Christmas music! It has been such a special day as we remember very clearly the pain we had last Christmas.
We have found December to be the month where we mark our progress on this earthly journey. We discuss the year - its joys and sorrows. We also look at our marriage and family and we each make a list of three things we could improve on in the next year as well as highlighting three highs. December is a great time to look back and marvel at the designs of God and realize how very little we are in control of the events that have shaped the past year. Then, with hearts full, we look to the celebration of that silent, holy night, and all its certainty. Because of Christmas, this we know: Christ was born for us. He is love, and the plans He has for us always surpass those of our own. That is not always easy to grasp or accept, but how true! We were out of control with our fertility (or lack there of), we were out of control with both of our pregnancies, and we were out of control on that awful day when our adoption fell apart. But we KNOW that God is good - no matter what happens in our lives, His love is unwavering. We praise Him for His goodness to us.
No matter what you might be going through, on this glorious Christmas night, we pray that your heart seeks to know Him just a little bit deeper. His love for you is great. We are so thankful for the gift of Havana, but we are even more thankful for the gift of the birth of Christ!!! No matter what has happened in the past or what might happen in our future we again proclaim that Christ was born for us, He is Love, and the plans He has for us always surpass those of our own!!!!
May you be blessed this Christmas. Thank You, Jesus, for coming to earth in the form of a baby to be our King of Kings! If you are struggling with anything this Christmas or anytime, please always feel free to call us to be a shoulder to cry on and someone with whom you can always count on for prayers. We would love to share the love of our Saviour with you today and always!!! Merry Christmas!
With Love,
Jason, Darby, and Havana Dugger
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Sunday, November 30, 2008
I can't believe Havana is already a month old!!!!
So, the title of this blog post pretty much sums everything up. In fact, I'm lying here in bed (trying not to fall asleep until I feed her one last time at 12:30am) and Jason is lying next to me and just said, "I can't believe Havana will be 5 weeks on Tuesday." -- he had no idea what I was typing at the time.
It is crazy how quickly the time has gone by. It feels like just yesterday she was born. She has already gotten so big in just her few short weeks of life. We had a doctors appointment on Wednesday and she now weighs 10 pounds 3 ounces! Wow! She is also 22 inches long. She is pretty much perfect. ;)
Life as parents is wonderful and the only thing that would make it better is a little more sleep at night. :) But I truly love waking up in the middle of night because it is such a special time that only lasts a little while. We feel so incredibly blessed to have such amazing friends. I still have not had to cook a meal because of all the meals that have been provided for us. Truly, that has been SUCH a HUGE help. I did fix Thanksgiving dinner, but that was by choice. :) All of our meals are also being provided for us for this upcoming week as well. I'm truly getting spoiled.
I've also been spoiled by how much time Jason has had at home. He had 2 weeks off when she was born and since then he's only been working part time. He doesn't got back to full time ER shifts until December 15. He's such an incredibly daddy. I always knew he would be, but it makes my heart smile so much to see him play with Havana. He has such a cute voice that he uses to talk to her and he loves reading and singing to her in Spanish. He also has WANTED to get up with me for the middle of the night feedings!! When she wakes us up, he will get up first and get her out of her crib and change her diaper. That usually gives me about 5-10 extra minutes of sleep and then I'll go in there and feed her. He does this everytime she wakes up! We are starting to give her a bottle (of pumped breastmilk) once a day so that he can be involved in her feedings. There have been a few nights that he has given her his once a day bottle in the middle of the night allowing me a longer stretch of sleep! Woo Hoo! He continues to be an amazing husband and is now also an amazing dad. I love watching their interactions daily. Havana certainly loves her daddy, I can tell! :)
Jason and I got each other "birthing" gifts. He got me a necklace that is an opal (Havana's birthstone) and I got him a book entitled "You Have What it Takes" by John Eldridge (he wrote "Wild at Heart" and along with his wife wrote "Captivating"). The book is for dads and it really describes what sons and daughters specifically need from their daddies. The dads have a significant role in their lives - one in which the mother cannot play. Jason has already read the book and I see him applying principals of what the book says girls need from their daddy to Havana. It is funny, we both always thought we would be the parents to all boys. But I have seen how having Havana really brings out qualities in Jason that make me realize that God created him to be a dad to at least one daughter - if not more. :)
I certainly feel so blessed that God chose me to be her mama. I love her little personality and look forward to getting to know her more and more everyday. She has such a good temperament. I think, at least right now, she has more of Jason's personality with a real even tempered nature about herself. However, I have seen moments where I think she is being a little "over-dramatic" -- wonder where she gets that from?! ha. She brings a smile to my face continually and makes me laugh several times a day.
Jason and I have worked very hard to form a balance in her life of love and nurture as well as structure. We really feel strongly that we want Havana to know how much she is loved, but also teach her (yes, even at this young age) that she is not the center of the universe or of this family (our marriage relationship comes before the children). She is such a beloved and welcomed member of this household, but she doesn't make it go round. This has been hard emotionally to implement because I do want to give her everything she wants and I hate hearing her cry. However, we truly believe that giving her everything she wants the minute she demands it will not be an attitude we want to foster. I'm so thankful that Jason and I stand united in parenting.
So what do our days look like? Well, Havana usually wakes up somewhere between 6 and 8am to be fed just depending on how her night has gone. I'll feed her at that time and then as long as we don't have to get up for something (such as church) she'll go right back down for another 3 hours. So anywhere between 9-11 she'll either awake or I'll wake her to feed and then we start our day. I make her have "awake time" after she eats and so during our "awake times" (which are usually about an hour in length) we dance, read, play with her play mats, or she just snuggles with me while I talk to her. After about an hour of playtime... it is nap time for an hour and half. She doesn't always like napping in her crib, but I make her take at least one nap a day in there. For the other naps throughout the day, she can be in her swing, pack-n-play, and for one nap she can be on me. If she doesn't wake up when it is time for her to eat I go and wake her and we feed and start the cycle all over again. Of course, not everyday is perfect... she'll refuse to nap or be super hungry on some days... but that is our goal for everyday. I enjoy that because it helps me know what my days are going to look like and it helps me plan her day. I feel that as the mom - I should direct her in how the day is going and not have it be her telling me.
I love my little girl so much! She is a blessing and a treasure. She truly adds so much to our lives everyday. Jason and I have "family prayer time" with her everynight before we put her in her crib at night and we have prayed daily for her. We were just talking today about how cool it will be to one day in heaven see what blessings come her way and what things she is spared because of our daily prayers. We've already seen God protect her from illnesses as Jason was VERY sick and while Havana did catch a little cold from him - it never progressed or became very bad and I know that is because God was protecting her from the fever and infection. We also pray that she falls in love with Jesus Christ and serves Him with her life. I quoted a Ginny Owens song in my prayer for her tonight praying that she wouldn't be a flame for Jesus, but a raging fire!!! I can't wait to see her fall in love with her Lord.
I could write for hours about my love for her, my love for my husband, my love for being a mommy, my love for Jesus, etc. But, I have to end this post sometime. :) Now that my days are becoming more routine I hope to update a little more often with how she is doing. Thank you for all your support, prayers, and encouragement. We love you and are grateful for your friendship.
It is crazy how quickly the time has gone by. It feels like just yesterday she was born. She has already gotten so big in just her few short weeks of life. We had a doctors appointment on Wednesday and she now weighs 10 pounds 3 ounces! Wow! She is also 22 inches long. She is pretty much perfect. ;)
Life as parents is wonderful and the only thing that would make it better is a little more sleep at night. :) But I truly love waking up in the middle of night because it is such a special time that only lasts a little while. We feel so incredibly blessed to have such amazing friends. I still have not had to cook a meal because of all the meals that have been provided for us. Truly, that has been SUCH a HUGE help. I did fix Thanksgiving dinner, but that was by choice. :) All of our meals are also being provided for us for this upcoming week as well. I'm truly getting spoiled.
I've also been spoiled by how much time Jason has had at home. He had 2 weeks off when she was born and since then he's only been working part time. He doesn't got back to full time ER shifts until December 15. He's such an incredibly daddy. I always knew he would be, but it makes my heart smile so much to see him play with Havana. He has such a cute voice that he uses to talk to her and he loves reading and singing to her in Spanish. He also has WANTED to get up with me for the middle of the night feedings!! When she wakes us up, he will get up first and get her out of her crib and change her diaper. That usually gives me about 5-10 extra minutes of sleep and then I'll go in there and feed her. He does this everytime she wakes up! We are starting to give her a bottle (of pumped breastmilk) once a day so that he can be involved in her feedings. There have been a few nights that he has given her his once a day bottle in the middle of the night allowing me a longer stretch of sleep! Woo Hoo! He continues to be an amazing husband and is now also an amazing dad. I love watching their interactions daily. Havana certainly loves her daddy, I can tell! :)
Jason and I got each other "birthing" gifts. He got me a necklace that is an opal (Havana's birthstone) and I got him a book entitled "You Have What it Takes" by John Eldridge (he wrote "Wild at Heart" and along with his wife wrote "Captivating"). The book is for dads and it really describes what sons and daughters specifically need from their daddies. The dads have a significant role in their lives - one in which the mother cannot play. Jason has already read the book and I see him applying principals of what the book says girls need from their daddy to Havana. It is funny, we both always thought we would be the parents to all boys. But I have seen how having Havana really brings out qualities in Jason that make me realize that God created him to be a dad to at least one daughter - if not more. :)
I certainly feel so blessed that God chose me to be her mama. I love her little personality and look forward to getting to know her more and more everyday. She has such a good temperament. I think, at least right now, she has more of Jason's personality with a real even tempered nature about herself. However, I have seen moments where I think she is being a little "over-dramatic" -- wonder where she gets that from?! ha. She brings a smile to my face continually and makes me laugh several times a day.
Jason and I have worked very hard to form a balance in her life of love and nurture as well as structure. We really feel strongly that we want Havana to know how much she is loved, but also teach her (yes, even at this young age) that she is not the center of the universe or of this family (our marriage relationship comes before the children). She is such a beloved and welcomed member of this household, but she doesn't make it go round. This has been hard emotionally to implement because I do want to give her everything she wants and I hate hearing her cry. However, we truly believe that giving her everything she wants the minute she demands it will not be an attitude we want to foster. I'm so thankful that Jason and I stand united in parenting.
So what do our days look like? Well, Havana usually wakes up somewhere between 6 and 8am to be fed just depending on how her night has gone. I'll feed her at that time and then as long as we don't have to get up for something (such as church) she'll go right back down for another 3 hours. So anywhere between 9-11 she'll either awake or I'll wake her to feed and then we start our day. I make her have "awake time" after she eats and so during our "awake times" (which are usually about an hour in length) we dance, read, play with her play mats, or she just snuggles with me while I talk to her. After about an hour of playtime... it is nap time for an hour and half. She doesn't always like napping in her crib, but I make her take at least one nap a day in there. For the other naps throughout the day, she can be in her swing, pack-n-play, and for one nap she can be on me. If she doesn't wake up when it is time for her to eat I go and wake her and we feed and start the cycle all over again. Of course, not everyday is perfect... she'll refuse to nap or be super hungry on some days... but that is our goal for everyday. I enjoy that because it helps me know what my days are going to look like and it helps me plan her day. I feel that as the mom - I should direct her in how the day is going and not have it be her telling me.
I love my little girl so much! She is a blessing and a treasure. She truly adds so much to our lives everyday. Jason and I have "family prayer time" with her everynight before we put her in her crib at night and we have prayed daily for her. We were just talking today about how cool it will be to one day in heaven see what blessings come her way and what things she is spared because of our daily prayers. We've already seen God protect her from illnesses as Jason was VERY sick and while Havana did catch a little cold from him - it never progressed or became very bad and I know that is because God was protecting her from the fever and infection. We also pray that she falls in love with Jesus Christ and serves Him with her life. I quoted a Ginny Owens song in my prayer for her tonight praying that she wouldn't be a flame for Jesus, but a raging fire!!! I can't wait to see her fall in love with her Lord.
I could write for hours about my love for her, my love for my husband, my love for being a mommy, my love for Jesus, etc. But, I have to end this post sometime. :) Now that my days are becoming more routine I hope to update a little more often with how she is doing. Thank you for all your support, prayers, and encouragement. We love you and are grateful for your friendship.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Havana Corynne Dugger
Hey Everyone,
Hopefully, most everybody knows that Havana Corynne Dugger was born on Tuesday, October 28th at 3:59pm. She weighted 8 pounds 12 ounces and was 21 1/4 inches long! We are certainly praising the Lord for her wonderful birth!!!
We checked in Monday night and they started the gel in me around 9pm. I had to lie flat for an hour, but after that I was able to eat a meal and we watched a movie. Around 1am they gave me my second dose of the gel and then Jason and I both went to sleep. Around 5am they started me on pitocin and my doctor came in to check me around 8:30 or so. I was only 2 cm dilated and so she went on and broke my water as soon as she broke my water... I turned over and received my epidural. I then took a nap. When I woke up it was the afternoon and I was progressing quickly. Jason said he thought she would be born at 6:22pm and I said 4:11pm. Around 3pm they checked me again and I was at 10 cm and so they said it was time to start pushing. I really only had to push for 37 minutes and she came out!!! I've heard that is pretty fast. I really have nothing to complain about... I didn't feel any pain at all and I didn't even tear at all. Jason laughed and said that I was just built to be a mommy because I made pregnancy and labor look really easy. I can honestly say I enjoyed every minute of it. It all happened so fast... I'll never forget Jason's loving words and his voice as he spoke to me... encouraging me and telling me what a great job I was doing. I'll never forget the nurses telling me to push and that my baby was coming. I'll never forget looking into the mirror and seeing her come out and it was over so quickly. They immediately laid her on my stomach and chest and I was able to hold her while Jason cut the cord. I remember thinking that she was the most beautiful and perfect thing I had ever seen... I also remember thinking that she looked like Jason. Jason said my face looked like it does at Christmas when I see all my presents under the tree. :) Guess I was looking at the best present ever! We were both SHOCKED with how BIG she was!!! We were not expecting a baby that size and I remember before she was completely out Jason saying, "that is not a 6 pound baby."
They quickly got her cleaned up and then she was back in our arms. What a magical moment. Both Jason and I shed some tears, exchanged some kisses, and prayed over and over again... thanking the Lord for this beautiful and perfect gift! It was truly a miracle.
The rest of our time in the hospital was great, but went by so quickly. We had fun cuddling Havana and showing her off to everyone who came to see us! We felt so blessed by all the calls, e-mails, and visits!!! What a special time to delight in our gift.
We were able to come home Thursday night and it is very nice to be home (although we miss all the nurses who quickly fell in love Havana too!) While it has been an adjustment for all of us... we love our family. Just this (Saturday) morning we both just cried tears of happiness as we held little Havana. She is so perfect and beautiful and we have waited SOOOOO LONG to bring a baby home. Our little girl is home and has already added so much to our lives. I can't even put into words what our home has been like the past few days... filled with the Lord's presence and His love. What a blessing He gave us in her. I feel so lucky to be her mommy.
I just wanted to share the birthing story quickly and let everyone know how much we appreciate their prayers and support during this time. Havana's life will be more enriched because of your role in it. I wish I had more time to type all of my emotions, but Havana is stirring from her nap so I better wrap this up.
We gave her the name Havana because of how special Havana, Cuba is to Jason and I. We have been there together 5 times on mission trips and have fallen in love with our brothers and sisters in Christ down there. We have such a heart for that place. It was also in Havana, Cuba in July of 2002 when Jason first held my had. The two of us would meet early and sit on the beach watching the sunrise... holding hands... praying... laughing... I guess that is really when we switched from being friends to dating. So clearly, it is special for that reason too. :)
Hopefully, most everybody knows that Havana Corynne Dugger was born on Tuesday, October 28th at 3:59pm. She weighted 8 pounds 12 ounces and was 21 1/4 inches long! We are certainly praising the Lord for her wonderful birth!!!
We checked in Monday night and they started the gel in me around 9pm. I had to lie flat for an hour, but after that I was able to eat a meal and we watched a movie. Around 1am they gave me my second dose of the gel and then Jason and I both went to sleep. Around 5am they started me on pitocin and my doctor came in to check me around 8:30 or so. I was only 2 cm dilated and so she went on and broke my water as soon as she broke my water... I turned over and received my epidural. I then took a nap. When I woke up it was the afternoon and I was progressing quickly. Jason said he thought she would be born at 6:22pm and I said 4:11pm. Around 3pm they checked me again and I was at 10 cm and so they said it was time to start pushing. I really only had to push for 37 minutes and she came out!!! I've heard that is pretty fast. I really have nothing to complain about... I didn't feel any pain at all and I didn't even tear at all. Jason laughed and said that I was just built to be a mommy because I made pregnancy and labor look really easy. I can honestly say I enjoyed every minute of it. It all happened so fast... I'll never forget Jason's loving words and his voice as he spoke to me... encouraging me and telling me what a great job I was doing. I'll never forget the nurses telling me to push and that my baby was coming. I'll never forget looking into the mirror and seeing her come out and it was over so quickly. They immediately laid her on my stomach and chest and I was able to hold her while Jason cut the cord. I remember thinking that she was the most beautiful and perfect thing I had ever seen... I also remember thinking that she looked like Jason. Jason said my face looked like it does at Christmas when I see all my presents under the tree. :) Guess I was looking at the best present ever! We were both SHOCKED with how BIG she was!!! We were not expecting a baby that size and I remember before she was completely out Jason saying, "that is not a 6 pound baby."
They quickly got her cleaned up and then she was back in our arms. What a magical moment. Both Jason and I shed some tears, exchanged some kisses, and prayed over and over again... thanking the Lord for this beautiful and perfect gift! It was truly a miracle.
The rest of our time in the hospital was great, but went by so quickly. We had fun cuddling Havana and showing her off to everyone who came to see us! We felt so blessed by all the calls, e-mails, and visits!!! What a special time to delight in our gift.
We were able to come home Thursday night and it is very nice to be home (although we miss all the nurses who quickly fell in love Havana too!) While it has been an adjustment for all of us... we love our family. Just this (Saturday) morning we both just cried tears of happiness as we held little Havana. She is so perfect and beautiful and we have waited SOOOOO LONG to bring a baby home. Our little girl is home and has already added so much to our lives. I can't even put into words what our home has been like the past few days... filled with the Lord's presence and His love. What a blessing He gave us in her. I feel so lucky to be her mommy.
I just wanted to share the birthing story quickly and let everyone know how much we appreciate their prayers and support during this time. Havana's life will be more enriched because of your role in it. I wish I had more time to type all of my emotions, but Havana is stirring from her nap so I better wrap this up.
We gave her the name Havana because of how special Havana, Cuba is to Jason and I. We have been there together 5 times on mission trips and have fallen in love with our brothers and sisters in Christ down there. We have such a heart for that place. It was also in Havana, Cuba in July of 2002 when Jason first held my had. The two of us would meet early and sit on the beach watching the sunrise... holding hands... praying... laughing... I guess that is really when we switched from being friends to dating. So clearly, it is special for that reason too. :)
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Baby Update...
Hey Everyone!
No baby yet... but we're close... so I wanted to let you know the details. Our doctor has offered to induce us on our due date (the 28th). We went back and forth with this decision trying to figure out if we should let her come naturally or go the way of induction. We waited to tell our family until we "officially" decided, but we have come to the conclusion that we will go forward with the induction. There are several reasons for this (our doctor would be guaranteed to deliver our baby, Jason would have plenty of time off of work, etc.) It really seems to be the best decision for our family and the more we prayed about the more peace we have about it.
We check into the hospital on Monday the 27th (tomorrow!) at 7pm. We will get settled in our room and have some time to relax there. We're even planning on bringing some board games as well as our lap top so we'll not only have wireless, but also the ability to watch movies. After midnight they will start the induction process. They will start by giving me some sort of gel every 4 hours through the night and in the morning they will access to see if I actually need the induction drug or if the gel was enough to send me into labor. How Tuesday will go is still kind of unknown to Jason and I. We are praying for an easy delivery for the baby, for our doctor to have discernment in her decisions with us, and for patient hearts for Jason and myself. We both would like to think that by Tuesday evening she will be born, but we know there is a chance she might not make her arrival until sometime on Wednesday. There is a good chance that it could be a LONG process...
Jason and I have tried to spend today "being still and knowing that He is God." After church this morning we came home and just really spent some time in focused prayer. It has really been a relaxing and refreshing day... especially since the past several days we've been very busy. That is why Jason suggested that spend today not getting caught up in the little details, but to just sit, focus, pray, and experience God. I'm so glad he is the spiritual head of our house.
Tonight we were able to have a date! We went to dinner at one of our favorite steak houses... which was very nice. The food is always wonderful and it was fun to have a special date. We were able to talk about our greatest fears and joys about parenthood, our thoughts on the job interviews Jason has been on lately, and just enjoying each other's company and laughing about old memories. It was sweet time for just the two of us... since we'll become a trio here in just a few hours. :)
Things are certainly surreal... it is hard to wrap my mind around everything that is happening and that has happened in the past. We have been waiting and praying for this for such a long time. We are almost on year three on trying to bring a baby into our home. This journey has been LONG and HARD. To think of all that we went through for the 2 years of infertility and then what has happened in just this past calendar year with loosing two children. My heart still breaks for the children I am not able to parent - although they will always be in my heart. Yeah, it has been rough to say the least. Bringing this baby home will certainly be an incredible joy, an answer to prayer, a testament of God's faithfulness, but in NO WAY a magic eraser to make us forget all the heartache we have gone through to get to this point.
One of my favorite books in the Bible is Isaiah. Isaiah 6 starts off by stating, "In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord seated on a throne, high and exalted, and the train of his robe filled the temple." In the time in which this was written, when a king died it was a BIG DEAL. A national tragedy. But notice how it was in that time... that time of chaos and crisis... that Isaiah "saw the Lord." Perhaps he wouldn't have seen the Lord if King Uzziah had not died? When I think about that... I think about how through all of this I can say, "I have seen the Lord." I have seen Him through this time of chaos and personal crisis for us... although I don't like the lens I have had to view Him with. Yet, I can say, I have seen Him, experienced Him, and have fallen more deeply in love with Him than I ever would have without this pain. Jason and I have grown as individuals and as a couple closer to each other and the Living God through these past three years. We have learned more about each other and Him than we would have if we have had an easier journey.
You will never hear me say that I'm thankful that we had a miscarriage or a failed adoption. But you will hear me say that I'm thankful that God cares and loves us through our trials. That He uses the trials the world sends our ways to lead us closer to Him. There is a line from a Sara Groves song that I love that states, "There has never been a trial or a pain that He did not recycle to bring me gain." --I'm thankful to serve a God like that!
Please continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers over the next few days. We'll be updating soon. :)
No baby yet... but we're close... so I wanted to let you know the details. Our doctor has offered to induce us on our due date (the 28th). We went back and forth with this decision trying to figure out if we should let her come naturally or go the way of induction. We waited to tell our family until we "officially" decided, but we have come to the conclusion that we will go forward with the induction. There are several reasons for this (our doctor would be guaranteed to deliver our baby, Jason would have plenty of time off of work, etc.) It really seems to be the best decision for our family and the more we prayed about the more peace we have about it.
We check into the hospital on Monday the 27th (tomorrow!) at 7pm. We will get settled in our room and have some time to relax there. We're even planning on bringing some board games as well as our lap top so we'll not only have wireless, but also the ability to watch movies. After midnight they will start the induction process. They will start by giving me some sort of gel every 4 hours through the night and in the morning they will access to see if I actually need the induction drug or if the gel was enough to send me into labor. How Tuesday will go is still kind of unknown to Jason and I. We are praying for an easy delivery for the baby, for our doctor to have discernment in her decisions with us, and for patient hearts for Jason and myself. We both would like to think that by Tuesday evening she will be born, but we know there is a chance she might not make her arrival until sometime on Wednesday. There is a good chance that it could be a LONG process...
Jason and I have tried to spend today "being still and knowing that He is God." After church this morning we came home and just really spent some time in focused prayer. It has really been a relaxing and refreshing day... especially since the past several days we've been very busy. That is why Jason suggested that spend today not getting caught up in the little details, but to just sit, focus, pray, and experience God. I'm so glad he is the spiritual head of our house.
Tonight we were able to have a date! We went to dinner at one of our favorite steak houses... which was very nice. The food is always wonderful and it was fun to have a special date. We were able to talk about our greatest fears and joys about parenthood, our thoughts on the job interviews Jason has been on lately, and just enjoying each other's company and laughing about old memories. It was sweet time for just the two of us... since we'll become a trio here in just a few hours. :)
Things are certainly surreal... it is hard to wrap my mind around everything that is happening and that has happened in the past. We have been waiting and praying for this for such a long time. We are almost on year three on trying to bring a baby into our home. This journey has been LONG and HARD. To think of all that we went through for the 2 years of infertility and then what has happened in just this past calendar year with loosing two children. My heart still breaks for the children I am not able to parent - although they will always be in my heart. Yeah, it has been rough to say the least. Bringing this baby home will certainly be an incredible joy, an answer to prayer, a testament of God's faithfulness, but in NO WAY a magic eraser to make us forget all the heartache we have gone through to get to this point.
One of my favorite books in the Bible is Isaiah. Isaiah 6 starts off by stating, "In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord seated on a throne, high and exalted, and the train of his robe filled the temple." In the time in which this was written, when a king died it was a BIG DEAL. A national tragedy. But notice how it was in that time... that time of chaos and crisis... that Isaiah "saw the Lord." Perhaps he wouldn't have seen the Lord if King Uzziah had not died? When I think about that... I think about how through all of this I can say, "I have seen the Lord." I have seen Him through this time of chaos and personal crisis for us... although I don't like the lens I have had to view Him with. Yet, I can say, I have seen Him, experienced Him, and have fallen more deeply in love with Him than I ever would have without this pain. Jason and I have grown as individuals and as a couple closer to each other and the Living God through these past three years. We have learned more about each other and Him than we would have if we have had an easier journey.
You will never hear me say that I'm thankful that we had a miscarriage or a failed adoption. But you will hear me say that I'm thankful that God cares and loves us through our trials. That He uses the trials the world sends our ways to lead us closer to Him. There is a line from a Sara Groves song that I love that states, "There has never been a trial or a pain that He did not recycle to bring me gain." --I'm thankful to serve a God like that!
Please continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers over the next few days. We'll be updating soon. :)
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Family Baby Shower Photos
Here are some highlights from the family baby shower last weekend. To see all the photos go to: http://www.new.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2131865&l=879f9&id=38303971
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
The Countdown is on... and a recap! :)
Hey Everyone,
So, I'm starting to type this on the 8th (Wednesday night) but know I won't post it until after midnight, which will make it October 9th, which means 19 more days until the due date!!! Pretty exciting.
Currently, I'm feeling AWESOME, although that hasn't been the case over the past few months. Sorry for my silence on the blog... we've been super busy. I do appreciate everyone who still checks the blog frequently for updates... even though I've been a slacker in posting.
Jason and I are doing well. Both have been pretty busy with our jobs and our other church and family responsibilities. Jason's been working pretty hard, but starting at the end of next week he'll have LOTS of time off between then and mid-December so that we can have some quality family time once the baby arrives. My work has also kept me busy, but more than anything has been a true answer to prayer. I love my job and it has helped me deal with the loss of our adopted daughter in more ways than I can explain. But just thinking of work puts a big smile on my face! :)
We have had a few "scares" with this little baby... which have not been fun. The first one came in late August when I didn't feel the baby move at all for almost 48 hours! I went in and they hooked me up to the monitors for several hours and were concerned about the baby's heart rate. I was only about 7 months along at that point. Those few days were quite scary for us as we both realized that we could loose this baby too. Thankfully, she is a fighter and after being carefully monitored we were sent home. I feel her move more regularly now, but still not "a lot" by any means. My doctor things that maybe she is just a "calm" baby. Which she clearly gets from her daddy and not from me! ;)
The other scare has come over the past few weeks since I'm not gaining weight. This isn't the first time I've not gained enough weight to make the doctor happy, but over the last three weeks I have not gained 1 pound! I don't know how since my belly is getting bigger... but the doctor said as long as the baby is growing she isn't too concerned. I'm certainly not too worried as my belly is continually getting bigger... I do have to say it made me wonder why. We continue to pray daily for her to survive and thrive in my womb and that God will allow her to come home to us soon.
I just mentioned those two things to catch you all up, but let me say that right now we're feeling confident that we'll bring her home soon. Yes, we still have some scares, but I think more than anything we are just excited to FINALLY bring a baby into this house. It is funny, I'm feeling great and have more energy than ever (last week I happily walked over 3 miles one afternoon just because)! I think that is largely due to the fact that I'm emotionally in a good place for the first time throughout this pregnancy. I tried to ignore the fact I was pregnant for so long because I was sure we would loose her too... but now I'm feeling much more secure that we'll get to bring this one home. My doctor laughs at me and says that it is good to FINALLY see me excited.
Once I made the switch from ignoring to being excited... I felt a little sad that this pregnancy was not a normal first child pregnancy. No one had offered (at that point) to throw us a shower for this baby. While we had showers for the adopted baby... it wasn't the same. With my love language being "gifts" I would always know the gifts bought for the adopted baby verses the gifts no one (again, at that point) had gotten this baby. Also, our shower invitations all had something about the fact we were adopting or the baby's due date being May 31st. How could I put those in her baby book? Would I have anything to add that showed her we prepared and celebrated her arrival?
It took me a while to come to terms with those emotions. I felt bad about feeling that way because I didn't want to appear ungrateful for what had been done for us in the past. I'm very thankful to have celebrated our adopted daughter in that way and she has her own baby book with photos, invitations, and such. I also felt in a way, cheated, from the first baby experience. While this little one due in 19 days will be (God willing) the first child we bring home. In other, very real, ways she is our third child. That has made this pregnancy very bittersweet. I was looking at some of my other friends who are pregnant with their first children - due around the same time we are - and it was night and day. They were quitting their jobs, I went out and got one. They were having showers, I was having none. They were registering, my registry had been open for over a year. Etc. It just didn't "feel" like a first child.
I went back and forth on how to handle this. Finally, I just decided to go on and share how I was feeling with a couple of dear friends. It made me feel better to get out some of my sad feelings because overall I was thrilled for this little one. Once I shared how I was feeling with a few friends I felt wonderful! Pretty much everyone I shared my heart with agreed that I had a right to feel that way. I had one friend thank me for sharing that with them because she didn't think about it from that perspective. She said because our situation is so complex, there are feelings and emotions that someone who has never gone through anything like that wouldn't understand or grasp without being told. I felt that after I shared my true emotions I could really celebrate her birth. I even deleted our old registry and opened a new one just for her. It was fun to get to register again! :)
My sister-in-law got together with my mother-in-law and step mother-in-law to throw us a "family" shower (which we never had for the adopted baby). We just had that this past Saturday and it was AMAZING. It was a lot of fun, but on top of that, it was so special to be surrounded by family who I could tell were really excited to welcome this little one.
Then, on Tuesday of this week (the 7th) some of my girlfriends from church actually threw me a surprise baby shower! Not only was I surprised, but I was overwhelmed. Again, it felt good to be surrounded by people who were wanting to celebrate and honor our third child which will actually be the first child we bring home. It feels good to have had some ways to celebrate this little one specifically.
Well, that has been an overview of the past few months. Nothing new with the sad situation with the adopted baby, but we continue to pray daily for her and I usually dream about her at least once a week or so. Jason and I still very much want to adopt and plan to pursue adoption again. We are not sure what God has in store for our family, but we would love to see at least 2 if not three of our children join our family through the blessing of adoption.
September marked the 1 year anniversary of the day we lost Elijah. That day was a lot harder than either of us thought it would be. We both cried a lot and the memory of everything is still so fresh. I can remember every detail of the day we found out. I seemed to relive it that day much more vividly than I thought I would. I am thankful for the promise of heaven and to know that he's up there now. I just prayed what our senior pastor prayed for us on the day we buried him, that Jesus would play extra hard with him up there until we can join him in heaven.
Through all of this... the years of infertility, the miscarriage, the adoption loss, and now the countdown to baby... we remain so thankful to have such wonderful people (YOU) who have supported us in prayer and love along the way. We do have a complex story and I'm not sure why God has allowed what He has, but I do know that I'm THANKFUL. Because of it we have been able to share the love of Jesus Christ with others, we have grown closer as a married couple, and I know God will continue to use our story to help encourage others who have dealt or are dealing with some or all of the issues we have dealt with. God is incredible. He is so faithful and such an ever present help in times of trouble. He has certainly been good to us - while it hasn't always been easy or fun... God is good.
Again, thank YOU for all your support over the years... we look forward to introducing her to you in just a few short days!
Love to all!
So, I'm starting to type this on the 8th (Wednesday night) but know I won't post it until after midnight, which will make it October 9th, which means 19 more days until the due date!!! Pretty exciting.
Currently, I'm feeling AWESOME, although that hasn't been the case over the past few months. Sorry for my silence on the blog... we've been super busy. I do appreciate everyone who still checks the blog frequently for updates... even though I've been a slacker in posting.
Jason and I are doing well. Both have been pretty busy with our jobs and our other church and family responsibilities. Jason's been working pretty hard, but starting at the end of next week he'll have LOTS of time off between then and mid-December so that we can have some quality family time once the baby arrives. My work has also kept me busy, but more than anything has been a true answer to prayer. I love my job and it has helped me deal with the loss of our adopted daughter in more ways than I can explain. But just thinking of work puts a big smile on my face! :)
We have had a few "scares" with this little baby... which have not been fun. The first one came in late August when I didn't feel the baby move at all for almost 48 hours! I went in and they hooked me up to the monitors for several hours and were concerned about the baby's heart rate. I was only about 7 months along at that point. Those few days were quite scary for us as we both realized that we could loose this baby too. Thankfully, she is a fighter and after being carefully monitored we were sent home. I feel her move more regularly now, but still not "a lot" by any means. My doctor things that maybe she is just a "calm" baby. Which she clearly gets from her daddy and not from me! ;)
The other scare has come over the past few weeks since I'm not gaining weight. This isn't the first time I've not gained enough weight to make the doctor happy, but over the last three weeks I have not gained 1 pound! I don't know how since my belly is getting bigger... but the doctor said as long as the baby is growing she isn't too concerned. I'm certainly not too worried as my belly is continually getting bigger... I do have to say it made me wonder why. We continue to pray daily for her to survive and thrive in my womb and that God will allow her to come home to us soon.
I just mentioned those two things to catch you all up, but let me say that right now we're feeling confident that we'll bring her home soon. Yes, we still have some scares, but I think more than anything we are just excited to FINALLY bring a baby into this house. It is funny, I'm feeling great and have more energy than ever (last week I happily walked over 3 miles one afternoon just because)! I think that is largely due to the fact that I'm emotionally in a good place for the first time throughout this pregnancy. I tried to ignore the fact I was pregnant for so long because I was sure we would loose her too... but now I'm feeling much more secure that we'll get to bring this one home. My doctor laughs at me and says that it is good to FINALLY see me excited.
Once I made the switch from ignoring to being excited... I felt a little sad that this pregnancy was not a normal first child pregnancy. No one had offered (at that point) to throw us a shower for this baby. While we had showers for the adopted baby... it wasn't the same. With my love language being "gifts" I would always know the gifts bought for the adopted baby verses the gifts no one (again, at that point) had gotten this baby. Also, our shower invitations all had something about the fact we were adopting or the baby's due date being May 31st. How could I put those in her baby book? Would I have anything to add that showed her we prepared and celebrated her arrival?
It took me a while to come to terms with those emotions. I felt bad about feeling that way because I didn't want to appear ungrateful for what had been done for us in the past. I'm very thankful to have celebrated our adopted daughter in that way and she has her own baby book with photos, invitations, and such. I also felt in a way, cheated, from the first baby experience. While this little one due in 19 days will be (God willing) the first child we bring home. In other, very real, ways she is our third child. That has made this pregnancy very bittersweet. I was looking at some of my other friends who are pregnant with their first children - due around the same time we are - and it was night and day. They were quitting their jobs, I went out and got one. They were having showers, I was having none. They were registering, my registry had been open for over a year. Etc. It just didn't "feel" like a first child.
I went back and forth on how to handle this. Finally, I just decided to go on and share how I was feeling with a couple of dear friends. It made me feel better to get out some of my sad feelings because overall I was thrilled for this little one. Once I shared how I was feeling with a few friends I felt wonderful! Pretty much everyone I shared my heart with agreed that I had a right to feel that way. I had one friend thank me for sharing that with them because she didn't think about it from that perspective. She said because our situation is so complex, there are feelings and emotions that someone who has never gone through anything like that wouldn't understand or grasp without being told. I felt that after I shared my true emotions I could really celebrate her birth. I even deleted our old registry and opened a new one just for her. It was fun to get to register again! :)
My sister-in-law got together with my mother-in-law and step mother-in-law to throw us a "family" shower (which we never had for the adopted baby). We just had that this past Saturday and it was AMAZING. It was a lot of fun, but on top of that, it was so special to be surrounded by family who I could tell were really excited to welcome this little one.
Then, on Tuesday of this week (the 7th) some of my girlfriends from church actually threw me a surprise baby shower! Not only was I surprised, but I was overwhelmed. Again, it felt good to be surrounded by people who were wanting to celebrate and honor our third child which will actually be the first child we bring home. It feels good to have had some ways to celebrate this little one specifically.
Well, that has been an overview of the past few months. Nothing new with the sad situation with the adopted baby, but we continue to pray daily for her and I usually dream about her at least once a week or so. Jason and I still very much want to adopt and plan to pursue adoption again. We are not sure what God has in store for our family, but we would love to see at least 2 if not three of our children join our family through the blessing of adoption.
September marked the 1 year anniversary of the day we lost Elijah. That day was a lot harder than either of us thought it would be. We both cried a lot and the memory of everything is still so fresh. I can remember every detail of the day we found out. I seemed to relive it that day much more vividly than I thought I would. I am thankful for the promise of heaven and to know that he's up there now. I just prayed what our senior pastor prayed for us on the day we buried him, that Jesus would play extra hard with him up there until we can join him in heaven.
Through all of this... the years of infertility, the miscarriage, the adoption loss, and now the countdown to baby... we remain so thankful to have such wonderful people (YOU) who have supported us in prayer and love along the way. We do have a complex story and I'm not sure why God has allowed what He has, but I do know that I'm THANKFUL. Because of it we have been able to share the love of Jesus Christ with others, we have grown closer as a married couple, and I know God will continue to use our story to help encourage others who have dealt or are dealing with some or all of the issues we have dealt with. God is incredible. He is so faithful and such an ever present help in times of trouble. He has certainly been good to us - while it hasn't always been easy or fun... God is good.
Again, thank YOU for all your support over the years... we look forward to introducing her to you in just a few short days!
Love to all!
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Hi!
So, we haven't updated the blog recently, namely because we haven't had much to add. The pregnancy is going well and our summer is quickly coming to an end. It is so hard to believe that it is already almost August.
Baby "Whosit" (as I like to call her in order not to slip up and say her name)is doing well. I've been working pretty hard to gain more weight as my doctor was a little concerned that I only gained 1 pound between 20 and 24 weeks. My goal is a pound a week and I've been able to gain that so all is good. I have also been hungrier the past week or so than before... so i think she's growing. She's kicking me like crazy, but we make it into a fun game. She'll kick me and I'll poke her back, she'll kick, I'll poke and so it will go until I stop poking. :) Jason has been able to feel her moving all around as she makes pretty dramatic moves that make my stomach look like something from an alien movie. It is nice to feel her moving around and I make a point to read to her daily and Jason and I pray for her daily, for her to continue to survive in the womb and that we would have the chance to hold her soon. We also are praying in advance for her spirit... for her to come to know and love Jesus and her Lord and Savior.
I guess there is a little something to update regarding our adoptive daughter too. I hesitate to share all the details over the blog, but in a nutshell, we've found out over the past several weeks that the birthmother we were match with actually had no intention of giving the baby up for adoption. Instead, she was just abusing the system for money. On top of that, we have also found out that since giving birth she has been arrested for forgery and fraud. This has been a very hard blow for us... we ache for the little girl who we love as much as Baby Whosit. We had hoped to give her a normal and stable life. While we aren't going to be perfect parents - we did want to try our best. Now, it saddens us to have no idea who is taking care of this little girl and what her life will be like growing up.
We have wrestled with what to do... we've come up with a sort of "action plan" in case this girl ends up in foster care and the birthmother looses her rights. However, that takes years to happen. This haunts me... as a mother. I dream about her, think about her, and pray for her all the time. I asked God one morning, "What am I supposed to do with all of these emotions?"
Since I asked that question He has truly just been a comfort to me and teaching me more of Himself. I just keep coming back to the fact that I am to pray for her, this little girl I love as my own, every single day of my life. Pray for her safety, pray for her well being, pray for her to meet Christ in a personal manner, etc. What else can I do? That is how I can continue to be her mother even if I never end of meeting her on this earth. Of course, I selfishly pray that we can still adopt this girl, but if we can't or until we can... I will be praying. I ask for you to pray for her too.
It feels like we have been through so much over the past several years. Dealing with infertility, miscarriage, adoption loss, and now a pregnancy... lots of ups and downs. Lots of "what is God's will for our family?" or "How could God allow for us to go through this after we prayed so hard for it NOT to happen." We've had our share of being positive in dealing with everything and having anger, frustration, etc. But through it all we KNOW KNOW KNOW that God is good. We can't explain why things happen, but we know that God is Sovereign. He's a good God and we trust Him completely with what He wants to do in and through our lives and family. While I wouldn't have written this to be the story of our life... He has and He knows what is best. He has not left us out in the valley to deal with this all by ourselves. He has been our very present help in our times of need. He has held us close to Him daily. We are so grateful for Him for the lessons He has taught us and the love He has shown us.
It is so easy when bad things happen to turn on your faith, to grow bitter towards God, etc. Not that we haven't had those temptations, but overall, that really can't be an option. We need Him so much and His love for us is so evident. I couldn't imagine facing any day without Him. He's so, so good. There are times when i wonder why he allowed all of this... what good has come from any of this? I am not sure the answer, but I do know that God is good. I hope you know that too! As I write this I pray that He makes himself your ever present help no matter if you are in a good or rough season of life. He is so faithful!
Love to all!
So, we haven't updated the blog recently, namely because we haven't had much to add. The pregnancy is going well and our summer is quickly coming to an end. It is so hard to believe that it is already almost August.
Baby "Whosit" (as I like to call her in order not to slip up and say her name)is doing well. I've been working pretty hard to gain more weight as my doctor was a little concerned that I only gained 1 pound between 20 and 24 weeks. My goal is a pound a week and I've been able to gain that so all is good. I have also been hungrier the past week or so than before... so i think she's growing. She's kicking me like crazy, but we make it into a fun game. She'll kick me and I'll poke her back, she'll kick, I'll poke and so it will go until I stop poking. :) Jason has been able to feel her moving all around as she makes pretty dramatic moves that make my stomach look like something from an alien movie. It is nice to feel her moving around and I make a point to read to her daily and Jason and I pray for her daily, for her to continue to survive in the womb and that we would have the chance to hold her soon. We also are praying in advance for her spirit... for her to come to know and love Jesus and her Lord and Savior.
I guess there is a little something to update regarding our adoptive daughter too. I hesitate to share all the details over the blog, but in a nutshell, we've found out over the past several weeks that the birthmother we were match with actually had no intention of giving the baby up for adoption. Instead, she was just abusing the system for money. On top of that, we have also found out that since giving birth she has been arrested for forgery and fraud. This has been a very hard blow for us... we ache for the little girl who we love as much as Baby Whosit. We had hoped to give her a normal and stable life. While we aren't going to be perfect parents - we did want to try our best. Now, it saddens us to have no idea who is taking care of this little girl and what her life will be like growing up.
We have wrestled with what to do... we've come up with a sort of "action plan" in case this girl ends up in foster care and the birthmother looses her rights. However, that takes years to happen. This haunts me... as a mother. I dream about her, think about her, and pray for her all the time. I asked God one morning, "What am I supposed to do with all of these emotions?"
Since I asked that question He has truly just been a comfort to me and teaching me more of Himself. I just keep coming back to the fact that I am to pray for her, this little girl I love as my own, every single day of my life. Pray for her safety, pray for her well being, pray for her to meet Christ in a personal manner, etc. What else can I do? That is how I can continue to be her mother even if I never end of meeting her on this earth. Of course, I selfishly pray that we can still adopt this girl, but if we can't or until we can... I will be praying. I ask for you to pray for her too.
It feels like we have been through so much over the past several years. Dealing with infertility, miscarriage, adoption loss, and now a pregnancy... lots of ups and downs. Lots of "what is God's will for our family?" or "How could God allow for us to go through this after we prayed so hard for it NOT to happen." We've had our share of being positive in dealing with everything and having anger, frustration, etc. But through it all we KNOW KNOW KNOW that God is good. We can't explain why things happen, but we know that God is Sovereign. He's a good God and we trust Him completely with what He wants to do in and through our lives and family. While I wouldn't have written this to be the story of our life... He has and He knows what is best. He has not left us out in the valley to deal with this all by ourselves. He has been our very present help in our times of need. He has held us close to Him daily. We are so grateful for Him for the lessons He has taught us and the love He has shown us.
It is so easy when bad things happen to turn on your faith, to grow bitter towards God, etc. Not that we haven't had those temptations, but overall, that really can't be an option. We need Him so much and His love for us is so evident. I couldn't imagine facing any day without Him. He's so, so good. There are times when i wonder why he allowed all of this... what good has come from any of this? I am not sure the answer, but I do know that God is good. I hope you know that too! As I write this I pray that He makes himself your ever present help no matter if you are in a good or rough season of life. He is so faithful!
Love to all!
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Monday, June 2, 2008
Spiritual Lessons
God is so incredibly faithful. Today as I (Darby) was walking Tucker, the song "I Stand Amazed: How Marvelous" came on the iPod and I couldn't help but sing out loud (there in the park in front of everyone) because it is true... how marvelous is His love for me! I was swept away and had an awesome God moment! God has been teaching and holding us close to Himself during this incredibly difficult time. While we are in the depths of grief... He is giving us strength for each day and to continually praise His name.
I was telling a friend last night that I am not to the place where I am thanking God for this loss... yet. I'm striving to as she reminded me that we are to give thanks in ALL circumstances. I am so thankful for the brothers and sisters in Christ who have used this time to speak the TRUTH of God's Word into our lives. Just today I received a card in the mail with "God's Promises" typed out... verses of truth that now sit on our fridge. Everyday I reminded more and more that I only know one thing in this world for sure -- that God is good!
Anyway, I just wanted to share with you all jut one of the many lessons God is teaching us. It has to do with the story of Abraham and Isaac found in Genesis 22:1-19. On May 21st... the night we knew our baby had been born, but still unsure how things would turn out... I didn't sleep very well. I ended up getting out of bed around 4AM and sat in our closet and opened the Bible and prayed. I thought of the story of Abraham and Isaac and so I read it and immediately begged God to "send a ram" in this situation so that we would not have to loose this daughter. I just kept praying for Him to send the ram. In the morning when Jason awoke, I share my thoughts with him and we prayed together for that ram. Then we got the call that Alicia had decided to parent the baby. We were heartbroken and crushed... I got angry. Why didn't God send the ram? I was sure He would do it. At that time I became angry with life and withdrew from God. I couldn't believe He had allowed this after we prayed for so long (since we started the adoption process) for this NOT to happen! Why did He allow it to get this far in the process? What good was being accomplished in this?
The few days following that day were awful! On Sunday I told Jason I didn't feel like going to church because I didn't want to see everyone (I knew I would ball) and because I wasn't too happy with the Lord. However, Jason said we were going. I'm so thankful he is the spiritual head of our house! And while I did not take part in communion (I didn't feel that I was emotionally in the right place to receive the Lord's Supper) I did listen to the sermon and it was amazing. Jason and I feel that Pastor Gary always does an amazing job preaching the Word and stepping on toes... today it was my toes who were stepped on. The sermon series that we're in right now is entitled, "My Life Stinks" and this message was "My Walk with Christ." Pastor Gary preached on the armor of God, the importance of it, and just the truth that we're in a spiritual war. There are solid Christians - who know Christ personally - who later fall away and somehow come to hate or disown Jesus. How does that happen? They didn't fight Satan and his attacks. If you have the time, and so desire, I would strongly recommend that everyone listen to this particular sermon online. The link is:
http://www.thecreek.org/assets/1097/2008_may_25.mp3
Anyway, during the sermon it occurred to me that I had not gotten mad at Satan for this... only God. That wasn't right. While God allowed it... it was Satan who was using it against me. Satan knows that this is a weakness of mine and that my greatest desire is to be a Godly mommy and that this road in getting there has been hard. He is using this against me and I wasn't even fighting him. I was actually doing everything he wanted. Well, that was going to end right there. Jason and I love Jesus with our whole hearts and desire to serve Him with our lives. We plan on raising our kids to fear the Lord. Of course Satan is going to do whatever he can to break up our marriage and prevent us from raising children in a Godly home. This is just another attack of Satan. Why were my eyes not open to that before? Well, they are now. And of course, what God allows He can use and bring good out of anything... so we're trusting He is going to do that in our lives -- someway, somehow.
After church on Sunday we had several friends (including our Pastor) come and surround us, love on us, and then pray for us. The body of Christ is beautiful. I mentioned to Gary how perfect his sermon was. He said that Satan twists our thinking and sometimes we ask, "Am I being punished for something?" and that was perfect because I had asked Jason that very question on the way to church. Jason's answer was a loving, "No, God doesn't work that way." Gary also told me that was just the lies of Satan.
Sunday afternoon, while still in grieving, I was no longer angry with God. Instead, grateful that He was going through this with us. On Monday our church started a challenge... to read the Bible in 90 days. I had already signed up to do it before we lost our daughter and since Sunday was so helpful for me... I began the journey without the hard heart.
God has been speaking volumes to us through His Word... as He always does. There is so much to learn each time you open the Bible. However, God's been very intentional in teaching us what He wants us to learn in this season of life. On Day 2 we reached the story of Abraham and Isaac. My eyes watered... this is the story of the ram God didn't send us. However, we read it. About 2 days later, as I was in the shower, I was thinking about something Gary mentioned regarding that passage. He asked the question: "do we love the gift more than the giver?" I had heard Gary ask that question before when talking about Abraham and Isaac, but there in my shower in Nashville, TN God spoke to my heart. He reminded me of the words I read -- and how when God asked Abraham to sacrifice his son, he obeyed. He didn't fight, he didn't ask why... or maybe he did and we don't know about it... all we know is that he obeyed! He didn't know the ram would be provided. He just knew he had to obey God. That made me realize that when I read this story that Wednesday night, I immediately asked God for the ram and didn't say "okay to whatever you allow." I wasn't willing to sacrifice our daughter to God's will. Later in the passage (vs.12) God says he now knows Abraham fears Him because of his willingness to sacrifice Isaac. Can the same be said about me? I want that, but am I there?
Then I thought about what Gary said again... and I made it more personal. I wasn't willing to say "okay" to the loss of my daughter. So do I love the gift of family, children, and the idea of being a mommy more than I do the One who is able to give me that family? Then I was convicted of even worshiping the desire of having children. I have let that desire replace my desire of becoming more Christ-like.
I discussed these things with Jason over breakfast that morning and we came to realize that if God allowed this to happen, then He will bring good out of it (Genesis 50:20, "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.)Even if the only good of it is that Jason and I grow closer to Him. That should be our greatest desire in life - to be more like Christ. If this heartbreaking event will allow for that, then we should be okay with that over the desire of being the parents to that beautiful girl.
Does this mean we're okay? No. We are still heartbroken and sad. We still struggle and cry. We still wish we had our daughter in our arms. I don't think there will ever be a time when I'm happy with the fact the adoption failed. However, God is bringing us to a place a greater trust in Him and His Word. So, please continue to pray for us and continue to be patient with our grief. But please know that God is good. We do... even if that is all we know!
Before I close this already long post :) I just want to also thank Jason for being such an incredible husband during this time. Over the past two years that I've known one of his friends from high school, Erin, she continues to say, "I'm so glad you have Jason in your life." I am too! He's the perfect husband and spiritual leader for me. He's amazing and I can't imagine going through this with anyone else and even though we've been through so many heartbreaking and awful things together -- I'm still so very happy with our marriage and my life with him.
I just wanted to brag on My Jesus and My Jason who He has blessed me with! :) Love to all!
I was telling a friend last night that I am not to the place where I am thanking God for this loss... yet. I'm striving to as she reminded me that we are to give thanks in ALL circumstances. I am so thankful for the brothers and sisters in Christ who have used this time to speak the TRUTH of God's Word into our lives. Just today I received a card in the mail with "God's Promises" typed out... verses of truth that now sit on our fridge. Everyday I reminded more and more that I only know one thing in this world for sure -- that God is good!
Anyway, I just wanted to share with you all jut one of the many lessons God is teaching us. It has to do with the story of Abraham and Isaac found in Genesis 22:1-19. On May 21st... the night we knew our baby had been born, but still unsure how things would turn out... I didn't sleep very well. I ended up getting out of bed around 4AM and sat in our closet and opened the Bible and prayed. I thought of the story of Abraham and Isaac and so I read it and immediately begged God to "send a ram" in this situation so that we would not have to loose this daughter. I just kept praying for Him to send the ram. In the morning when Jason awoke, I share my thoughts with him and we prayed together for that ram. Then we got the call that Alicia had decided to parent the baby. We were heartbroken and crushed... I got angry. Why didn't God send the ram? I was sure He would do it. At that time I became angry with life and withdrew from God. I couldn't believe He had allowed this after we prayed for so long (since we started the adoption process) for this NOT to happen! Why did He allow it to get this far in the process? What good was being accomplished in this?
The few days following that day were awful! On Sunday I told Jason I didn't feel like going to church because I didn't want to see everyone (I knew I would ball) and because I wasn't too happy with the Lord. However, Jason said we were going. I'm so thankful he is the spiritual head of our house! And while I did not take part in communion (I didn't feel that I was emotionally in the right place to receive the Lord's Supper) I did listen to the sermon and it was amazing. Jason and I feel that Pastor Gary always does an amazing job preaching the Word and stepping on toes... today it was my toes who were stepped on. The sermon series that we're in right now is entitled, "My Life Stinks" and this message was "My Walk with Christ." Pastor Gary preached on the armor of God, the importance of it, and just the truth that we're in a spiritual war. There are solid Christians - who know Christ personally - who later fall away and somehow come to hate or disown Jesus. How does that happen? They didn't fight Satan and his attacks. If you have the time, and so desire, I would strongly recommend that everyone listen to this particular sermon online. The link is:
http://www.thecreek.org/assets/1097/2008_may_25.mp3
Anyway, during the sermon it occurred to me that I had not gotten mad at Satan for this... only God. That wasn't right. While God allowed it... it was Satan who was using it against me. Satan knows that this is a weakness of mine and that my greatest desire is to be a Godly mommy and that this road in getting there has been hard. He is using this against me and I wasn't even fighting him. I was actually doing everything he wanted. Well, that was going to end right there. Jason and I love Jesus with our whole hearts and desire to serve Him with our lives. We plan on raising our kids to fear the Lord. Of course Satan is going to do whatever he can to break up our marriage and prevent us from raising children in a Godly home. This is just another attack of Satan. Why were my eyes not open to that before? Well, they are now. And of course, what God allows He can use and bring good out of anything... so we're trusting He is going to do that in our lives -- someway, somehow.
After church on Sunday we had several friends (including our Pastor) come and surround us, love on us, and then pray for us. The body of Christ is beautiful. I mentioned to Gary how perfect his sermon was. He said that Satan twists our thinking and sometimes we ask, "Am I being punished for something?" and that was perfect because I had asked Jason that very question on the way to church. Jason's answer was a loving, "No, God doesn't work that way." Gary also told me that was just the lies of Satan.
Sunday afternoon, while still in grieving, I was no longer angry with God. Instead, grateful that He was going through this with us. On Monday our church started a challenge... to read the Bible in 90 days. I had already signed up to do it before we lost our daughter and since Sunday was so helpful for me... I began the journey without the hard heart.
God has been speaking volumes to us through His Word... as He always does. There is so much to learn each time you open the Bible. However, God's been very intentional in teaching us what He wants us to learn in this season of life. On Day 2 we reached the story of Abraham and Isaac. My eyes watered... this is the story of the ram God didn't send us. However, we read it. About 2 days later, as I was in the shower, I was thinking about something Gary mentioned regarding that passage. He asked the question: "do we love the gift more than the giver?" I had heard Gary ask that question before when talking about Abraham and Isaac, but there in my shower in Nashville, TN God spoke to my heart. He reminded me of the words I read -- and how when God asked Abraham to sacrifice his son, he obeyed. He didn't fight, he didn't ask why... or maybe he did and we don't know about it... all we know is that he obeyed! He didn't know the ram would be provided. He just knew he had to obey God. That made me realize that when I read this story that Wednesday night, I immediately asked God for the ram and didn't say "okay to whatever you allow." I wasn't willing to sacrifice our daughter to God's will. Later in the passage (vs.12) God says he now knows Abraham fears Him because of his willingness to sacrifice Isaac. Can the same be said about me? I want that, but am I there?
Then I thought about what Gary said again... and I made it more personal. I wasn't willing to say "okay" to the loss of my daughter. So do I love the gift of family, children, and the idea of being a mommy more than I do the One who is able to give me that family? Then I was convicted of even worshiping the desire of having children. I have let that desire replace my desire of becoming more Christ-like.
I discussed these things with Jason over breakfast that morning and we came to realize that if God allowed this to happen, then He will bring good out of it (Genesis 50:20, "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.)Even if the only good of it is that Jason and I grow closer to Him. That should be our greatest desire in life - to be more like Christ. If this heartbreaking event will allow for that, then we should be okay with that over the desire of being the parents to that beautiful girl.
Does this mean we're okay? No. We are still heartbroken and sad. We still struggle and cry. We still wish we had our daughter in our arms. I don't think there will ever be a time when I'm happy with the fact the adoption failed. However, God is bringing us to a place a greater trust in Him and His Word. So, please continue to pray for us and continue to be patient with our grief. But please know that God is good. We do... even if that is all we know!
Before I close this already long post :) I just want to also thank Jason for being such an incredible husband during this time. Over the past two years that I've known one of his friends from high school, Erin, she continues to say, "I'm so glad you have Jason in your life." I am too! He's the perfect husband and spiritual leader for me. He's amazing and I can't imagine going through this with anyone else and even though we've been through so many heartbreaking and awful things together -- I'm still so very happy with our marriage and my life with him.
I just wanted to brag on My Jesus and My Jason who He has blessed me with! :) Love to all!
Friday, May 30, 2008
More Details
Hi Everyone,
Just wanted to update the blog with a few more details of what happened.
On May 20th... Alicia went into labor and did not call the adoption agency as planned. On the 21st... the agency found out that she had given birth through the birthfather's family and so the social worker went to go visit her. Kelly, the social worker, called us Wednesday night as she was leaving the hospital. We didn't know anything so we assumed the call was to say that Alicia had gone into labor. We were walking Tucker so we headed back to the car with anticipation. The phone call did not go as expected as Kelly told us our daughter had already been born, that Alicia had wavered on her decision to place the baby up for adoption, but that as of that evening she was still planning on signing the papers. She had decided that seeing us with the baby would be too hard so asked us not to come until she had been released from the hospital. Then, we could come and take the baby home. She had not named the baby, was not breastfeeding the baby, and even still referring to it as "ours." Kelly said all of those were good signs. The plan was for Kelly to head out there in the morning with the papers and a car seat so whichever decision she made Bethany would support it.
We were caught off guard by this news, but we made the decision to stay positive. We were disappointed that we missed our daughter's birth, but more than anything else, we just wanted to bring her home. We spent Wednesday night putting the finishing touches on our home to prepare ourselves for our daughter's arrival. Then spent a long time in prayer for our daughter, Alicia, and ourselves. We went to bed excepting to pick up our daughter at 2pm from the hospital.
Thursday morning Kelly called early in the morning to tell us that things "weren't looking good" -- what did that mean? She said that Alicia was not taking her phone calls and that usually meant the birthmother had changed her mind about the adoption. That was it. We hung up and couldn't believe what we heard. We prayed and prayed that the outcome out change. We waiting and waited by the phone. Nothing. Finally, around 3pm -- after the time we were to pick up our daughter... we called Kelly back asking if she had heard anything else. She said, "yes, Alicia left the hospital with the baby." At that point it was final that the adoption wasn't going to happen. Gut wrenching doesn't even describe what we felt. We were in the depths of grief. We had lost our daughter.
As we started sharing the news... we were struck by how unsympathetic some people seemed. Of course not everyone... but there were more people who didn't seemed phased by our loss. We had a lot of friends who meant well when they said, "but you're pregnant" "guess it wasn't meant to be" -- and while those comments hurt (because our biological baby in NO WAY replaces the daughter we just lost) we know they were said by people who were trying to find that silver lining. But there have been others who have simply disregarded that we're even grieving... expecting us just to be okay that it didn't work out because this was an adoption and not a biological child. That has been crushing. We can't express how more more real and painful this loss has been than when we lost Elijah. One of our best friends, Janet, said it perfectly when she said,
"i just can't imagine
how you guys are feeling. to say that the loss of
this little girl is not as "significant" as a
biological child is of course absolutely insane, so i
pray that those words will not penetrate your heart.
your anticipation of her arrival was intentional, with
so much heart and emotion poured in--no less then that
of waiting for a biological child...we watched friends
of ours adopt their son 8 months ago, and there was no
question that their joy and love was any less then if
he had been their biological child. so the reverse is
true--the pain felt at the loss of the child is the
same."
Her words were so perfect in describing how we feel and how real this loss it. Just wanted to share it with you all! We'll post again soon with how we're doing.
Just wanted to update the blog with a few more details of what happened.
On May 20th... Alicia went into labor and did not call the adoption agency as planned. On the 21st... the agency found out that she had given birth through the birthfather's family and so the social worker went to go visit her. Kelly, the social worker, called us Wednesday night as she was leaving the hospital. We didn't know anything so we assumed the call was to say that Alicia had gone into labor. We were walking Tucker so we headed back to the car with anticipation. The phone call did not go as expected as Kelly told us our daughter had already been born, that Alicia had wavered on her decision to place the baby up for adoption, but that as of that evening she was still planning on signing the papers. She had decided that seeing us with the baby would be too hard so asked us not to come until she had been released from the hospital. Then, we could come and take the baby home. She had not named the baby, was not breastfeeding the baby, and even still referring to it as "ours." Kelly said all of those were good signs. The plan was for Kelly to head out there in the morning with the papers and a car seat so whichever decision she made Bethany would support it.
We were caught off guard by this news, but we made the decision to stay positive. We were disappointed that we missed our daughter's birth, but more than anything else, we just wanted to bring her home. We spent Wednesday night putting the finishing touches on our home to prepare ourselves for our daughter's arrival. Then spent a long time in prayer for our daughter, Alicia, and ourselves. We went to bed excepting to pick up our daughter at 2pm from the hospital.
Thursday morning Kelly called early in the morning to tell us that things "weren't looking good" -- what did that mean? She said that Alicia was not taking her phone calls and that usually meant the birthmother had changed her mind about the adoption. That was it. We hung up and couldn't believe what we heard. We prayed and prayed that the outcome out change. We waiting and waited by the phone. Nothing. Finally, around 3pm -- after the time we were to pick up our daughter... we called Kelly back asking if she had heard anything else. She said, "yes, Alicia left the hospital with the baby." At that point it was final that the adoption wasn't going to happen. Gut wrenching doesn't even describe what we felt. We were in the depths of grief. We had lost our daughter.
As we started sharing the news... we were struck by how unsympathetic some people seemed. Of course not everyone... but there were more people who didn't seemed phased by our loss. We had a lot of friends who meant well when they said, "but you're pregnant" "guess it wasn't meant to be" -- and while those comments hurt (because our biological baby in NO WAY replaces the daughter we just lost) we know they were said by people who were trying to find that silver lining. But there have been others who have simply disregarded that we're even grieving... expecting us just to be okay that it didn't work out because this was an adoption and not a biological child. That has been crushing. We can't express how more more real and painful this loss has been than when we lost Elijah. One of our best friends, Janet, said it perfectly when she said,
"i just can't imagine
how you guys are feeling. to say that the loss of
this little girl is not as "significant" as a
biological child is of course absolutely insane, so i
pray that those words will not penetrate your heart.
your anticipation of her arrival was intentional, with
so much heart and emotion poured in--no less then that
of waiting for a biological child...we watched friends
of ours adopt their son 8 months ago, and there was no
question that their joy and love was any less then if
he had been their biological child. so the reverse is
true--the pain felt at the loss of the child is the
same."
Her words were so perfect in describing how we feel and how real this loss it. Just wanted to share it with you all! We'll post again soon with how we're doing.
Friday, May 23, 2008
Heartbreaking News....
We are very sad to say that our adoption didn't turn out as planned. At the last minute the birthmother decided to keep the baby and not allow us to parent the baby. We found out for sure yesterday (the 22nd), but had an idea on Wednesday night. We hope to type the whole story out soon, but right now we don't have that much emotional enegry. Please be praying for us and we are heartbroken. We lost our 2nd child... loosing Elijah, in many ways, was easier than this has been. We went to bed Wednesday night thinking we would bring our daughter home to the house/nursery we prepared for her. Instead, we came back to life without children. While this baby was not a biological baby -- it did grow in our hearts over the past several months. We haven't even pictured our biological baby without it's older sister. We had named her and everything...
We can't even describe the pain we are in. To say we're heartbroken is a start, but there is so much more. We just selfishly ask for your prayers... we need them all!
Thanks...
J&D
We can't even describe the pain we are in. To say we're heartbroken is a start, but there is so much more. We just selfishly ask for your prayers... we need them all!
Thanks...
J&D
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Update
No baby yet!!!! As we are anxiously awaiting the birth of our first child I thought I would take this moment to just update everyone on the adoption process, where we are, and how the pregnancy is going.
The adoption process is going well. We met with Alicia again last week as well as the birthfather and his family. We feel so blessed to be matched with them! I can't express how much we love Alicia (and Leanord). The doctor still thinks that Alicia will deliver at any moment so we've been sure never to be too far away from the phones. As soon as she goes into labor we will get the call and join her at the hospital. I (darby) get to be in the delivery room with her as she gives birth. I am also going to be the first one to hold the baby per the request of Alicia. Jason and I will get our own hospital room for the duration of the baby's stay -- which is typically 48 hours. Alicia can't sign the adoption papers until 24-48 hours after birth so I know those will be stressful hours for us as we wait for the adoption to become official. Please be praying for us to be a light and comfort in the hospital as well as just really flexible.
We're pretty ready! The nursery is complete except for our glider which we have ordered - so hopefully it will be here soon. We have the pack-n-play set up downstairs and all of our needs for feeding, changing, and bathing the baby are complete! At this point I THINK we have everything, but am sure that we might realize a lot more "needs" once we actually bring the baby home. But, we're excited and trying to keep ourselves busy until the call comes.
As far as the pregnancy, well that is going well too! We're now 16 weeks and boy is my belly getting BIG! :) My jeans no longer fit me - but my dress, workout, and pajama pants are getting me through. For one of my Mother's Day gifts I did get a pair of maternity pants too! My shirts still fit fine.
I feel like my belly is HUGE, but Jason claims I don't even look pregnant yet. I disagree. :) However, no other part of my body has gained any weight yet. Just the tummy. Which is funny because in just the 10 weeks that I was pregnant with Elijah I gained 10 pounds (mainly in my legs and rear). But this time I haven't even gained 10 pounds yet and it is only in the belly.
We've been doing an ultrasound a week and all is looking good. The baby is moving around quite a bit and it is funny now that it has arms and legs I can see it sucking its thumb and kicking me almost constantly. I'm no longer sick to my stomach unless I don't eat often enough but I'm still pretty tired. There was one night last week where I slept for 15 hours! I'm trying not to feel guilty about that though because soon I won't be getting anything close to that again.
Well, Jason just finished grilling out our lunch so I better sign off so we can eat. It has been nice to just spend a lot of fun quality time together this month before the baby comes. Hopefully, the next post will include a new photo of our first baby!
Thanks for all your love and support!
The adoption process is going well. We met with Alicia again last week as well as the birthfather and his family. We feel so blessed to be matched with them! I can't express how much we love Alicia (and Leanord). The doctor still thinks that Alicia will deliver at any moment so we've been sure never to be too far away from the phones. As soon as she goes into labor we will get the call and join her at the hospital. I (darby) get to be in the delivery room with her as she gives birth. I am also going to be the first one to hold the baby per the request of Alicia. Jason and I will get our own hospital room for the duration of the baby's stay -- which is typically 48 hours. Alicia can't sign the adoption papers until 24-48 hours after birth so I know those will be stressful hours for us as we wait for the adoption to become official. Please be praying for us to be a light and comfort in the hospital as well as just really flexible.
We're pretty ready! The nursery is complete except for our glider which we have ordered - so hopefully it will be here soon. We have the pack-n-play set up downstairs and all of our needs for feeding, changing, and bathing the baby are complete! At this point I THINK we have everything, but am sure that we might realize a lot more "needs" once we actually bring the baby home. But, we're excited and trying to keep ourselves busy until the call comes.
As far as the pregnancy, well that is going well too! We're now 16 weeks and boy is my belly getting BIG! :) My jeans no longer fit me - but my dress, workout, and pajama pants are getting me through. For one of my Mother's Day gifts I did get a pair of maternity pants too! My shirts still fit fine.
I feel like my belly is HUGE, but Jason claims I don't even look pregnant yet. I disagree. :) However, no other part of my body has gained any weight yet. Just the tummy. Which is funny because in just the 10 weeks that I was pregnant with Elijah I gained 10 pounds (mainly in my legs and rear). But this time I haven't even gained 10 pounds yet and it is only in the belly.
We've been doing an ultrasound a week and all is looking good. The baby is moving around quite a bit and it is funny now that it has arms and legs I can see it sucking its thumb and kicking me almost constantly. I'm no longer sick to my stomach unless I don't eat often enough but I'm still pretty tired. There was one night last week where I slept for 15 hours! I'm trying not to feel guilty about that though because soon I won't be getting anything close to that again.
Well, Jason just finished grilling out our lunch so I better sign off so we can eat. It has been nice to just spend a lot of fun quality time together this month before the baby comes. Hopefully, the next post will include a new photo of our first baby!
Thanks for all your love and support!
Babymoon!
We spent the last part of April down in South Padre Island!! We called this trip our "babymoon" as it is our last Lovecation before the kiddos come! It was such a wonderful trip... the weather was awesome and the beach was incredible. Here are photos from us on the beach! We spent just about everyday on the beach until dinner time, went out for dinner and ice cream, watched the sunrises/sunsets, and traveled into Mexico one day. Overall it was just a wonderful time of enjoying each other's company.
To view all of our photos from this trip and more please visit our webalbums at:
http://picasaweb.google.com/darbyandjason
To see photos from Baby Shower #1 you can visit:
www.lightinghisworld.com/babydugger
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Officially Sharing the News!!
Okay, so this post will come to no surprise to 98% of you who we have been lucky enough to see over the past month or so. But for the few that live a bit farther I apologize for updating this blog so late. I don't know where April went (more about that in my next post) and this has been on my "to do" list daily the entire month!
Jason and I are extremely happy and excited for the adoption of first child here in just a matter of days! We are also pleased to announce that we are also pregnant and due in October!
Here's the story:
On March 2nd, I asked Jason to bring home a pregnancy test. He asked, "why?" And I said, "I don't know... I just feel like we should take one. I know it is going to be negative, I just want to take one." He said okay. The reason he asked why is because we were no longer trying for a biological baby. After our miscarriage we felt strongly that God was calling us to adopt and I didn't want the emotions of adoption/pregnancy/miscarriage again. So we decided to prevent pregnancy for the first time in years!
That night Jason brings home a test and I go into our downstairs bathroom to take it while he's staying the the kitchen. As soon as I take it I see that it is positive!!! I didn't even wait 30 seconds. I was shocked and just yelled, "Uh, come here!" And Jason (who had actually forgotten that I had gone in the bathroom to take the test came to the bathroom excepting me to be out of toilet paper or something like that) walked in and I just pointed and said, "Is that positive?" We both looked like someone had knocked the wind out of us and he just shook his head yes.
We were quiet for some time. Then my first words were, "If we loose this baby... you might as well lock me up in a crazy ward." Jason didn't say much for a while and then he said, "I don't understand. This is so different from the first time we found out we were pregnant." I agreed. While we were happy... at the same time we were not only shocked (we asked how this happened several times) but also fearful. Loosing Elijah was such a trying time for us in every way. I was not ready to do that again.
The rest of the evening was spent just asking lots and lots of questions back and forth and then praying quite a bit. The next day we went down to the hospital and Jason did an ultrasound on me and yep, there was a little baby there. However, we were still early... 4.5 weeks or so. We then started talking about what we should do about the adoption. Bethany Christian Services do not allow you to adopt a baby if you are pregnant or have had a baby in the past year. We were to tell them if we became pregnant during the adoption process and our names would be taken off of the waiting list. We wrestled with "when" to tell them in case we lost this baby too. We were both a little discouraged because we wondered if we had misunderstood the Lord. Why did we feel so led towards adoption if that wasn't His will?
Those questions were quickly answered because the next day we got a call from Bethany saying that a birthmother had picked us! We were shocked! We told them that we were excited and wanted to continue with this adoption (after all we had been praying that only one birthmother would be interested in us) but that we had just found out that we were pregnant again. And with that, we were told we could not longer pursue the adoption. We were heartbroken and Jason really wanted to fight for this baby. So, we wrote a letter to three staff people at Bethany that we had been working with throughout this process -- and we shared our hearts. Here is an excerpt from our letter:
We cannot fully express just how excited.....and confused we are about the past few days. We were overjoyed last night to receive the call from Kelly. For many months we've been praying every day that a birthmother would choose us and that we'd finally get a chance to "match." Receiving that phone call last night was truly an answer to prayer.
However, most of you probably know by now that we are once again pregnant with a biological baby. We literally found out a few days ago when taking a home pregnancy test and Darby just went to the Doctor's office this morning for blood tests to confirm it. Please understand that we are very early in our pregnancy - approximately 4-5 weeks at most. If you remember correctly, you'll know that this is not our first time to become pregnant. We lost our last baby at about 10 weeks and it was a very difficult time for us. Given our past experiences we feel that there is no guarantee that we will carry this pregnancy to full term, but are obviously now praying for God to protect and nurture our biological baby in the womb.
We do not profess to know exactly what God's will is for us in this situation, but please know that we are still VERY eager to bring an adopted baby into our family and we do not feel that HE has made any mistakes in allowing Alicia to pick us at this time. We believe that we are prepared and capable of raising two infants at the same time in our home if that's what God has in store for us.
We are not pretending that it would be easy, though. After attending the classes on attachment & trans-racial parenting, and after reading so many books on adoption, we understand very well that our adopted baby will require and deserve more from us than our biological baby might need. We are dedicated to that purpose and we sincerely promise both Alicia and everyone at Bethany that we are suited to care for both an adopted baby and a biological baby in our home.
Most importantly, though, we wanted to be honest and forthcoming with all the details of our situation right now. We are trying very hard to walk by faith in this moment of uncertainty, but we are also very scared that we might have another miscarriage AND lose our chance to be matched with Alicia. In essence, it would be like two more miscarriages for us.
We asked for the agency to allow the birthmother to choose if she would still like to place her baby with us even though we are pregnant. They had a meeting (that lasted several hours) and then they came to the conclusion that they would allow the adoption to take place if the birthmother still wanted to press forward. We were thrilled, but we had to read several articles on what is called "artificial twinning" and write our responses for how we plan to handle the challenges of raising two biologically unrelated children less than 9 months apart. Our response was three pages long (single spaced) and after we gave that to the agency -- they passed it along to the birthmother who read the articles and our responses. After reading all of that she said she still wanted to place her baby with us!
We got the call on March 15th - a little over two weeks after our adventure began. This call was to inform us that Alicia, the birthmother, still wanted us to adopt her baby. The social worker on the phone said, "All I can say is that God really must want this baby in your house because this just doesn't happen." We were thrilled and really trusted that this is the baby the Lord wanted all along to start our family.
It was then that we started sharing the news of the adoption, but continued to keep the pregnancy a secrete for another few weeks. We are currently 15 weeks pregnant and all seems to be going well. We continue to be a little bit scared of loosing this baby, but trying to have faith. It is also nice to have our first baby (due this month) to take our minds off the worry. :)
We're not sure what God wants for our family, but we're excited for the prospect of these two children joining our family!
Jason and I are extremely happy and excited for the adoption of first child here in just a matter of days! We are also pleased to announce that we are also pregnant and due in October!
Here's the story:
On March 2nd, I asked Jason to bring home a pregnancy test. He asked, "why?" And I said, "I don't know... I just feel like we should take one. I know it is going to be negative, I just want to take one." He said okay. The reason he asked why is because we were no longer trying for a biological baby. After our miscarriage we felt strongly that God was calling us to adopt and I didn't want the emotions of adoption/pregnancy/miscarriage again. So we decided to prevent pregnancy for the first time in years!
That night Jason brings home a test and I go into our downstairs bathroom to take it while he's staying the the kitchen. As soon as I take it I see that it is positive!!! I didn't even wait 30 seconds. I was shocked and just yelled, "Uh, come here!" And Jason (who had actually forgotten that I had gone in the bathroom to take the test came to the bathroom excepting me to be out of toilet paper or something like that) walked in and I just pointed and said, "Is that positive?" We both looked like someone had knocked the wind out of us and he just shook his head yes.
We were quiet for some time. Then my first words were, "If we loose this baby... you might as well lock me up in a crazy ward." Jason didn't say much for a while and then he said, "I don't understand. This is so different from the first time we found out we were pregnant." I agreed. While we were happy... at the same time we were not only shocked (we asked how this happened several times) but also fearful. Loosing Elijah was such a trying time for us in every way. I was not ready to do that again.
The rest of the evening was spent just asking lots and lots of questions back and forth and then praying quite a bit. The next day we went down to the hospital and Jason did an ultrasound on me and yep, there was a little baby there. However, we were still early... 4.5 weeks or so. We then started talking about what we should do about the adoption. Bethany Christian Services do not allow you to adopt a baby if you are pregnant or have had a baby in the past year. We were to tell them if we became pregnant during the adoption process and our names would be taken off of the waiting list. We wrestled with "when" to tell them in case we lost this baby too. We were both a little discouraged because we wondered if we had misunderstood the Lord. Why did we feel so led towards adoption if that wasn't His will?
Those questions were quickly answered because the next day we got a call from Bethany saying that a birthmother had picked us! We were shocked! We told them that we were excited and wanted to continue with this adoption (after all we had been praying that only one birthmother would be interested in us) but that we had just found out that we were pregnant again. And with that, we were told we could not longer pursue the adoption. We were heartbroken and Jason really wanted to fight for this baby. So, we wrote a letter to three staff people at Bethany that we had been working with throughout this process -- and we shared our hearts. Here is an excerpt from our letter:
We cannot fully express just how excited.....and confused we are about the past few days. We were overjoyed last night to receive the call from Kelly. For many months we've been praying every day that a birthmother would choose us and that we'd finally get a chance to "match." Receiving that phone call last night was truly an answer to prayer.
However, most of you probably know by now that we are once again pregnant with a biological baby. We literally found out a few days ago when taking a home pregnancy test and Darby just went to the Doctor's office this morning for blood tests to confirm it. Please understand that we are very early in our pregnancy - approximately 4-5 weeks at most. If you remember correctly, you'll know that this is not our first time to become pregnant. We lost our last baby at about 10 weeks and it was a very difficult time for us. Given our past experiences we feel that there is no guarantee that we will carry this pregnancy to full term, but are obviously now praying for God to protect and nurture our biological baby in the womb.
We do not profess to know exactly what God's will is for us in this situation, but please know that we are still VERY eager to bring an adopted baby into our family and we do not feel that HE has made any mistakes in allowing Alicia to pick us at this time. We believe that we are prepared and capable of raising two infants at the same time in our home if that's what God has in store for us.
We are not pretending that it would be easy, though. After attending the classes on attachment & trans-racial parenting, and after reading so many books on adoption, we understand very well that our adopted baby will require and deserve more from us than our biological baby might need. We are dedicated to that purpose and we sincerely promise both Alicia and everyone at Bethany that we are suited to care for both an adopted baby and a biological baby in our home.
Most importantly, though, we wanted to be honest and forthcoming with all the details of our situation right now. We are trying very hard to walk by faith in this moment of uncertainty, but we are also very scared that we might have another miscarriage AND lose our chance to be matched with Alicia. In essence, it would be like two more miscarriages for us.
We asked for the agency to allow the birthmother to choose if she would still like to place her baby with us even though we are pregnant. They had a meeting (that lasted several hours) and then they came to the conclusion that they would allow the adoption to take place if the birthmother still wanted to press forward. We were thrilled, but we had to read several articles on what is called "artificial twinning" and write our responses for how we plan to handle the challenges of raising two biologically unrelated children less than 9 months apart. Our response was three pages long (single spaced) and after we gave that to the agency -- they passed it along to the birthmother who read the articles and our responses. After reading all of that she said she still wanted to place her baby with us!
We got the call on March 15th - a little over two weeks after our adventure began. This call was to inform us that Alicia, the birthmother, still wanted us to adopt her baby. The social worker on the phone said, "All I can say is that God really must want this baby in your house because this just doesn't happen." We were thrilled and really trusted that this is the baby the Lord wanted all along to start our family.
It was then that we started sharing the news of the adoption, but continued to keep the pregnancy a secrete for another few weeks. We are currently 15 weeks pregnant and all seems to be going well. We continue to be a little bit scared of loosing this baby, but trying to have faith. It is also nice to have our first baby (due this month) to take our minds off the worry. :)
We're not sure what God wants for our family, but we're excited for the prospect of these two children joining our family!
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Elijah's Due Date
Today, April 17th, was the due date for Elijah. While we're very excited for what God is doing in our family now... Elijah was our first child and the day is still painful. Thanks for all your prayers, calls, and cards.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Things are going well
Hey Everyone,
Well, I think the title pretty much sums things up for us. :) We are so excited that very soon we will be bringing home our first child!!! This has been such a long awaited event and we continue to pray for our baby as it develops, the birthmother of our child, and that everything goes smoothly and according to plan.
We met with Alicia (the birthmother) last Tuesday the 18th and we absolutely loved her!!!! We were told that those "match meetings" usually last about an hour, but we left after three. Alicia is such an incredible person and we got in the car and Jason said, "If I could handpick everything I want in a birthmother.... Alicia would be it." And I totally agreed. We have such a great respect and love for her now more than ever.
The baby's due date is May 31st, but the doctors think that Alicia might deliver early! So we're going to be ready to take in a baby at any time. We are putting the finishing touches on our nursery and my first baby shower is this Saturday (March 29th). The plan is for Alicia to call Bethany as soon as her water breaks and then they will call us and we'll head to the hospital where we plan to be in the room when our baby is delivered. We are so excited!!!
We look forward to sharing our blessing with you! Thanks for all your prayers and support in the meantime!
Love to all...
J&D
Well, I think the title pretty much sums things up for us. :) We are so excited that very soon we will be bringing home our first child!!! This has been such a long awaited event and we continue to pray for our baby as it develops, the birthmother of our child, and that everything goes smoothly and according to plan.
We met with Alicia (the birthmother) last Tuesday the 18th and we absolutely loved her!!!! We were told that those "match meetings" usually last about an hour, but we left after three. Alicia is such an incredible person and we got in the car and Jason said, "If I could handpick everything I want in a birthmother.... Alicia would be it." And I totally agreed. We have such a great respect and love for her now more than ever.
The baby's due date is May 31st, but the doctors think that Alicia might deliver early! So we're going to be ready to take in a baby at any time. We are putting the finishing touches on our nursery and my first baby shower is this Saturday (March 29th). The plan is for Alicia to call Bethany as soon as her water breaks and then they will call us and we'll head to the hospital where we plan to be in the room when our baby is delivered. We are so excited!!!
We look forward to sharing our blessing with you! Thanks for all your prayers and support in the meantime!
Love to all...
J&D
Sunday, March 16, 2008
SOME GOOD NEWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We have been matched!!!!!!! :) :) :)
A birthmother has chosen us to adopt her baby! She is due in May and we couldn't be more thrilled! The details of this event have the fingerprints of God all over them and it is evident that He wants us to be matched with this birthmother -- for which we are so grateful!
More details to follow....
A birthmother has chosen us to adopt her baby! She is due in May and we couldn't be more thrilled! The details of this event have the fingerprints of God all over them and it is evident that He wants us to be matched with this birthmother -- for which we are so grateful!
More details to follow....
Monday, February 25, 2008
The Lord is soooo good!!!
In our excitement for Baby Dugger's arrival we have been doing lots to prepare. As I mentioned in our last post... we bought a crib and all the extras, the quilt clips we ordered for our theme quilt arrived and they are beautiful (handmade and special ordered to match our room). We went to Babies R Us last week to buy our dresser/combo changing table, but they were out of stock. Hopefully it will arrive soon and we can continue to make our nursery complete. I've also been studying parenting books and writing down the things I want to do with our baby (feeding schedule, sleeping, etc. ... FYI, I'm reading lots of books, but we're primarily going with Baby Wise and Shepherding a Child's Heart -- Great books for us!!!)
I say all that because while we are getting excited and able to look towards the future with great joy. We are also in the process of "guarding our hearts." I asked Jason if he thought that we would have a baby by Mother's Day. See, we have have three Monther's Day where we thought "this will be our last year not to be parents" -- each year it became incredibly harder to bear. This past year, 2007, we went away for the weekend, lots of friends sent me cards in the mail telling me they were praying for me during that hard time and they reminded me that I was in face a spiritual mother to lots of people. That helped a lot. I remember that night in bed Jason firmly believed that by Mother's Day of 08 we would have a child...
However, when I brought it up the other day he shook his head and said he didn't know. He said that he was done predicting. At that time I agreed even though it did hurt my heart... I didn't mean to, but I started guarding my heart a little more to the point that I didn't pray boldly.
This was made evident to me during a retreat that I went on over the weekend. Pastor Gary was talking about how Prayerless lives lead to a Powerless ministry. The context of his talk was on praying intently, boldly, and often for the ministries and the church in which we serve. We then broke into prayer groups and Pastor Gary asked us to pray and not a wimpy prayer, but a bold and powerful prayer.
My group was Lise, Laura, and Michelle. The three ladies that I spent the night with before and stayed up talking with them until the wee hours of the morning. They are all great friends who I love dearly, Lise was the first to pray and boy did she bring me to my knees. She prayed for me and my health and then for us as we wait for a baby. She prayed BOLDLY that we would get a baby in 2008. She didn't hold back, she took the leap.
I was in tears and very humbled at that moment. I was convicted that I was not praying boldly for Baby Dugger. Yes, we were praying for the birthmother and Baby Dugger's development, and ourselves. But we weren't praying boldly. Asking in the name of Jesus without holding back. That has changed in my life now. I am boldly asking the Lord for a child... and for one soon. I am boldly praying for His will to come to be in my life and that I will do all that I can to glorify Him and show Christ to others. Oh, how I fall short daily, but BOLDLY I am trying harder and praying more passionately.
I just wanted to share some of these thoughts. I certainly have more (you know me... I have lots of words :) But I just wanted to share how Lise's prayer meant so much to me and how it challenged me to let go of the hesitations that I carry around in my prayers. We are asking and trusting in faith that 2008 will be the year that Baby Dugger will join our family.
Love to all!!!
I say all that because while we are getting excited and able to look towards the future with great joy. We are also in the process of "guarding our hearts." I asked Jason if he thought that we would have a baby by Mother's Day. See, we have have three Monther's Day where we thought "this will be our last year not to be parents" -- each year it became incredibly harder to bear. This past year, 2007, we went away for the weekend, lots of friends sent me cards in the mail telling me they were praying for me during that hard time and they reminded me that I was in face a spiritual mother to lots of people. That helped a lot. I remember that night in bed Jason firmly believed that by Mother's Day of 08 we would have a child...
However, when I brought it up the other day he shook his head and said he didn't know. He said that he was done predicting. At that time I agreed even though it did hurt my heart... I didn't mean to, but I started guarding my heart a little more to the point that I didn't pray boldly.
This was made evident to me during a retreat that I went on over the weekend. Pastor Gary was talking about how Prayerless lives lead to a Powerless ministry. The context of his talk was on praying intently, boldly, and often for the ministries and the church in which we serve. We then broke into prayer groups and Pastor Gary asked us to pray and not a wimpy prayer, but a bold and powerful prayer.
My group was Lise, Laura, and Michelle. The three ladies that I spent the night with before and stayed up talking with them until the wee hours of the morning. They are all great friends who I love dearly, Lise was the first to pray and boy did she bring me to my knees. She prayed for me and my health and then for us as we wait for a baby. She prayed BOLDLY that we would get a baby in 2008. She didn't hold back, she took the leap.
I was in tears and very humbled at that moment. I was convicted that I was not praying boldly for Baby Dugger. Yes, we were praying for the birthmother and Baby Dugger's development, and ourselves. But we weren't praying boldly. Asking in the name of Jesus without holding back. That has changed in my life now. I am boldly asking the Lord for a child... and for one soon. I am boldly praying for His will to come to be in my life and that I will do all that I can to glorify Him and show Christ to others. Oh, how I fall short daily, but BOLDLY I am trying harder and praying more passionately.
I just wanted to share some of these thoughts. I certainly have more (you know me... I have lots of words :) But I just wanted to share how Lise's prayer meant so much to me and how it challenged me to let go of the hesitations that I carry around in my prayers. We are asking and trusting in faith that 2008 will be the year that Baby Dugger will join our family.
Love to all!!!
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Be Careful What You Say...
We have heard from several other people who have dealt with infertility and/or a miscarriage that some people say ignorant things. We have TOTALLY found that to be true. Usually, they come from people with the biggest hearts who don't mean anything negative by the comments. So it is easy for Jason and I to brush them off, but at the same time I wish I used those opportunities to educate those people that what they said hurt. The didn't mean it in a harmful way... we know that... but how do we tell them that what they said isn't really appropriate? Here are some examples of things NOT to say to anyone going through infertility, miscarriage, and/or adoption:
"Just relax -- you'll get pregnant then." (I know tons of stressed out people who get pregnant and trust me there have been times when we've been relaxed - Nothing. It isn't that easy!)
"Once you adopt, then you'll get pregnant, that happens all the time" (actually it only happens in 2% of everyone who adopts. Plus, it can be interpreted as the adopted child is just a means of getting a biological child and that is not what we want. We want our adopted child because we want our adopted child. Not as a means to get pregnant.)
"Why do you want to adopt when you now know you can get pregnant?" (we get this a lot. And the truth is, it took us 2 years to get pregnant and that was with the help of drugs. That isn't something I want to go through again. BUT... THE MAIN REASON WE ARE ADOPTING IS BECAUSE IT IS NOT A LAST RESORT FOR US. We WANT to adopt. We feel called to adopt!)
"Don't you want a child of your own?" (yes, an adopted child will be our own child. Both our adopted children and our biological children, if we have them, will all be our own!)
"Darby's throwing up - she must be pregnant!" (we got this a few weeks ago when I had the stomach flu... please be careful what you say around us in regards to pregnancy.)
"(insert any complaint about being a parent here)" (we understand that being a parent is hard and at times frustrating... but you are still blessed to be parents. One of my friends from Louisville changed her tune after reading our blog and she realized that wishing for her life Before Children was hurtful to people like me. Thanks, Tara!)
"Maybe God is waiting to give you a child when you are through this depression so you'll be a better mother" - (um, okay, this is hurtful. If God is waiting for me to get my act together - we'll never be parents, no one would. We're doing the best we can and I feel that God is in no way keeping a child from our home. He's just preparing the right child for us.)
"You've only been on the waiting list a few months, that's not long at all" - (sometimes days feel like months around here. And we've been waiting for a child going on three years now... not for just a few months.)
"We're pregnant! We're in our 2nd trimester. We don't tell anyone until then because you know, stuff happens." (Yes, we are quite aware that the death of a child can occur in the first trimester. We've experienced that! It is not just stuff that happens, but a death, and yes, we're very aware. Please take that into consideration when you tell us your news!)
These are just a few of the comments that we've received that are ignorant. Most all of them came from good friends just trying to encourage us. So, we don't take them as insults, but I wanted to educate some of you on things to say and not to say - just for future reference. These are just a few, if you are interested in more let me know and I'll tell you personally. Also, if you are pregnant, I know we appreciate it when you tell us privately before we hear it through the grape vine. We do get excited for people who are pregnant and we love to pray for the health of your baby, but please be sensitive to other's situations.
"Just relax -- you'll get pregnant then." (I know tons of stressed out people who get pregnant and trust me there have been times when we've been relaxed - Nothing. It isn't that easy!)
"Once you adopt, then you'll get pregnant, that happens all the time" (actually it only happens in 2% of everyone who adopts. Plus, it can be interpreted as the adopted child is just a means of getting a biological child and that is not what we want. We want our adopted child because we want our adopted child. Not as a means to get pregnant.)
"Why do you want to adopt when you now know you can get pregnant?" (we get this a lot. And the truth is, it took us 2 years to get pregnant and that was with the help of drugs. That isn't something I want to go through again. BUT... THE MAIN REASON WE ARE ADOPTING IS BECAUSE IT IS NOT A LAST RESORT FOR US. We WANT to adopt. We feel called to adopt!)
"Don't you want a child of your own?" (yes, an adopted child will be our own child. Both our adopted children and our biological children, if we have them, will all be our own!)
"Darby's throwing up - she must be pregnant!" (we got this a few weeks ago when I had the stomach flu... please be careful what you say around us in regards to pregnancy.)
"(insert any complaint about being a parent here)" (we understand that being a parent is hard and at times frustrating... but you are still blessed to be parents. One of my friends from Louisville changed her tune after reading our blog and she realized that wishing for her life Before Children was hurtful to people like me. Thanks, Tara!)
"Maybe God is waiting to give you a child when you are through this depression so you'll be a better mother" - (um, okay, this is hurtful. If God is waiting for me to get my act together - we'll never be parents, no one would. We're doing the best we can and I feel that God is in no way keeping a child from our home. He's just preparing the right child for us.)
"You've only been on the waiting list a few months, that's not long at all" - (sometimes days feel like months around here. And we've been waiting for a child going on three years now... not for just a few months.)
"We're pregnant! We're in our 2nd trimester. We don't tell anyone until then because you know, stuff happens." (Yes, we are quite aware that the death of a child can occur in the first trimester. We've experienced that! It is not just stuff that happens, but a death, and yes, we're very aware. Please take that into consideration when you tell us your news!)
These are just a few of the comments that we've received that are ignorant. Most all of them came from good friends just trying to encourage us. So, we don't take them as insults, but I wanted to educate some of you on things to say and not to say - just for future reference. These are just a few, if you are interested in more let me know and I'll tell you personally. Also, if you are pregnant, I know we appreciate it when you tell us privately before we hear it through the grape vine. We do get excited for people who are pregnant and we love to pray for the health of your baby, but please be sensitive to other's situations.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
From the Heart of Darby...
t is almost 5:30 in the morning and I can't get back to sleep after having Tucker wake us up because he needed to go outside. While it was Jason who got up, dressed, and took him outside... I sat awake and realized that I had a lot of thoughts regarding adoption and my depression and hopefully if I blog them, I can get another few hours of sleep. :)So, please bare with me as I pour out my heart -- just as it is.
UPDATE ON DEPRESSION:
In early January I started to see someone else other than my OB to help regulate my anti-depressants and help me deal with my emotions. On the first visit I learned that the dosage of my Zoloft was not even at a therapeutic level. That could very much explain why my depression was still so deep. So, I tripled my dosage. About three weeks later - while I was driving to church on Tuesday morning - I had my first positive thought! Unless you have been through depression I am not sure if you will understand how wonderful a positive thought is. It just came to me and I realized that we were going to be parents someday without the bitter taste in my mouth of all that we've been through to get there.
Since then, I have been climbing uphill!!! I am still on Zoloft, but just last night I told Jason that I would like to stay on them another month, but then I want to try to wing myself off of them. That is huge for me!!!! God is truly walking down this road with me, and I can honestly say that Jason and I are closer and the Lord and I are closer because of this depression. So for that, I am grateful. Am I out of the woods? By no means... but I'm stating to treasure this journey rather than despise it.
I do have a lot of thoughts regarding depression and how the Church and Christians sometimes handle it... but I'll save all my rantings for another post. :) I do think depression is real and I do NOT think that it means a person is not close enough to Christ if they are going through it. And if I don't stop typing about that now.... I'll continue forever. ...
UPDATE ON ADOPTION:
All I have to say is that Jason and I are so excited for the arrival of our baby! We don't know anything about our baby, but we are already in love with it and pray for it and it's birthmother daily. No, we have not heard anything from the adoption agency regarding a birthmother who is interested in us. And while we both thought that we would have least heard something by now... we are trusting that the Lord is answering our prayers through this silence.
See, since the very beginning of this adoption process we have prayed that the only person who is interested in us - will in fact be the birthmother of our child. The adoption agency has talked to us in great detail about "failed matched" and "failed Placements" -- and usually every couple who is adopting will experience one of these losses. A failed match is where a birthmother chooses us, but then before she gives birth she changes her mind. A failed placement is when the birthmother gives birth to the baby (with us possibly there at the hospital) and then chooses not to sign the adoption papers. This has happened to a couple we know - they named the baby and everything - only to not be able to parent that child.
Those are scary realizations that we have been "praying against" since the beginning. We were preparing ourselves to "take a hit," but that was before our miscarriage. Now, I feel like we've taken that hit. We've lost a baby... so we are praying with intensity that our profile is only attractive to the One who will in fact be the birthmother of Baby Dugger. We are trusting that is why we haven't heard anything about a mother being interested in us... the Lord is sparing us from that pain of a failed match or placement. We have to have that faith. Please pray that for us as well.
Emotionally, we are getting very excited about bringing home a baby someday. In fact, we bought a crib, mattress, and all the bedding (mattress pad, sheet, blanket, dust ruffle, burp cloths, etc. We set it up in the nursery -- I washed everything and the crib is all made up (complete with a toy!). It looks so good. My brother and sister-in-law bought us a quilt that is beautiful and we bought quilt clips to hang that over the crib with. I'll hopefully post a photo soon! And, one of my dear friends up here in Indianapolis is going to throw me a baby shower at the end of March! I get so excited and I have such hope for our future. The adoption agency talks about how important it is for adoptive couples to go through an "expectant" period. And I know we are in that now! I also feel that I'm in the "nesting" phase as I've been throwing a lot of stuff out. The other day Jason said he was scared to go to work because he wasn't sure what would be gone when he got back. :) He also warned Tucker to stay away from me because he too might get tossed. ;) This is a fun time for us.
I still think about Elijah on a daily basis. I also think about what I would like like if I was still pregnant with him. I'm pretty sure that April 17th (his due date) will be a hard for us. I made a keepsake box for him and he'll always have a special place in our hearts. He will be our first child and I can't wait to meet him in heaven. I still tear up at least once a week, but I think that is healthy. I also still have a hard time around pregnant women, but I'm working through that on a daily basis (I have no choice, they are all around me!) But none of these emotions detract from our excitement, joy, and hope about the coming Baby Dugger.
Love to all!!!
UPDATE ON DEPRESSION:
In early January I started to see someone else other than my OB to help regulate my anti-depressants and help me deal with my emotions. On the first visit I learned that the dosage of my Zoloft was not even at a therapeutic level. That could very much explain why my depression was still so deep. So, I tripled my dosage. About three weeks later - while I was driving to church on Tuesday morning - I had my first positive thought! Unless you have been through depression I am not sure if you will understand how wonderful a positive thought is. It just came to me and I realized that we were going to be parents someday without the bitter taste in my mouth of all that we've been through to get there.
Since then, I have been climbing uphill!!! I am still on Zoloft, but just last night I told Jason that I would like to stay on them another month, but then I want to try to wing myself off of them. That is huge for me!!!! God is truly walking down this road with me, and I can honestly say that Jason and I are closer and the Lord and I are closer because of this depression. So for that, I am grateful. Am I out of the woods? By no means... but I'm stating to treasure this journey rather than despise it.
I do have a lot of thoughts regarding depression and how the Church and Christians sometimes handle it... but I'll save all my rantings for another post. :) I do think depression is real and I do NOT think that it means a person is not close enough to Christ if they are going through it. And if I don't stop typing about that now.... I'll continue forever. ...
UPDATE ON ADOPTION:
All I have to say is that Jason and I are so excited for the arrival of our baby! We don't know anything about our baby, but we are already in love with it and pray for it and it's birthmother daily. No, we have not heard anything from the adoption agency regarding a birthmother who is interested in us. And while we both thought that we would have least heard something by now... we are trusting that the Lord is answering our prayers through this silence.
See, since the very beginning of this adoption process we have prayed that the only person who is interested in us - will in fact be the birthmother of our child. The adoption agency has talked to us in great detail about "failed matched" and "failed Placements" -- and usually every couple who is adopting will experience one of these losses. A failed match is where a birthmother chooses us, but then before she gives birth she changes her mind. A failed placement is when the birthmother gives birth to the baby (with us possibly there at the hospital) and then chooses not to sign the adoption papers. This has happened to a couple we know - they named the baby and everything - only to not be able to parent that child.
Those are scary realizations that we have been "praying against" since the beginning. We were preparing ourselves to "take a hit," but that was before our miscarriage. Now, I feel like we've taken that hit. We've lost a baby... so we are praying with intensity that our profile is only attractive to the One who will in fact be the birthmother of Baby Dugger. We are trusting that is why we haven't heard anything about a mother being interested in us... the Lord is sparing us from that pain of a failed match or placement. We have to have that faith. Please pray that for us as well.
Emotionally, we are getting very excited about bringing home a baby someday. In fact, we bought a crib, mattress, and all the bedding (mattress pad, sheet, blanket, dust ruffle, burp cloths, etc. We set it up in the nursery -- I washed everything and the crib is all made up (complete with a toy!). It looks so good. My brother and sister-in-law bought us a quilt that is beautiful and we bought quilt clips to hang that over the crib with. I'll hopefully post a photo soon! And, one of my dear friends up here in Indianapolis is going to throw me a baby shower at the end of March! I get so excited and I have such hope for our future. The adoption agency talks about how important it is for adoptive couples to go through an "expectant" period. And I know we are in that now! I also feel that I'm in the "nesting" phase as I've been throwing a lot of stuff out. The other day Jason said he was scared to go to work because he wasn't sure what would be gone when he got back. :) He also warned Tucker to stay away from me because he too might get tossed. ;) This is a fun time for us.
I still think about Elijah on a daily basis. I also think about what I would like like if I was still pregnant with him. I'm pretty sure that April 17th (his due date) will be a hard for us. I made a keepsake box for him and he'll always have a special place in our hearts. He will be our first child and I can't wait to meet him in heaven. I still tear up at least once a week, but I think that is healthy. I also still have a hard time around pregnant women, but I'm working through that on a daily basis (I have no choice, they are all around me!) But none of these emotions detract from our excitement, joy, and hope about the coming Baby Dugger.
Love to all!!!
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