It has been a few months...

Okay, so I am perhaps the worst blogger in the world! Well, a lot has happened since my last post, most of you all know all the details, but if you give me a few minutes of your time I'll update you on Havana's development and growth as well as the new addition!

HAVANA:

Well, my baby girl is getting so big and is so much fun! She is now 14 months old and I'm just amazed at her growth and beauty. She is so much fun and we literally spend 99% of our day playing. She is a great sleeper (about 12 hours) and usually wakes up between 8 and 8:30. We get up, eat some breakfast, and then play in her playroom all morning. About 2-3 hours after she wakes, we eat a snack and then she takes a 2-3 hour nap. After she wakes up, we eat lunch, play for a few hours, have a snack, and then she's back down for an afternoon nap which is 1-2 hours. Finally we snack, play, dinner, bath, and bed by 8pm. It is truly a wonderful life. She loves to play with her play kitchen, ride in her cozy coupe, stack blocks, kick a ball, and read books. I am amazed at all her interests as she could read books for hours, but also enjoys kicking or throwing balls as well music (she dances, claps, and asks to play music pretty much all day long).

She is walking all over the place - she has been taking steps since early November, but on November 30th she started walking on her own more than crawling. It was comical for me because she refused to crawl that day and to watch her determination was fun to see. She also seemed to walk on her tip toes and her arms were out to her side for balance so she looked like a little ballet dancer... I could see the top of her pony tail bouncing up and down behind the couch!

Her language skills are doing well... she doesn't actually say too many audible (to anyone other than herself :) words, but she does say, "Mama" "Yum Yum" and "Uh-Oh" her other babble words include "Ap" "Baba" and "Papa." She does understand a lot and it is fun to watch her listen to commands ("Go get a book, please" "Please take this to Daddy") and she can sign a lot of words (All Done, Please, Drink, More, Prayers, Amen...). It is fun to teach her sign language as it certainly helps with the communication block!

Her laugh is beautiful and one of my favorite sounds. Sometimes she'll be playing by herself and I just hear laughter from her playroom. She loves to laugh when we play "chase me" (where she runs and I come after her and tickle her) and at her daddy. She still struggles with separation/stranger anxiety but we keep putting her in the nursery at church (even though we get paged out every week that I'm not working in there with her), but have changed our date nights to after she is asleep so that babysitters just have to sit in our house while she sleeps. But, other than that, she is overall a very happy little girl who is so full of love. She loves to give kisses and hugs (to us, to Tucker, and her toys).

She is very adaptable and has been a great traveler -- (in her short life she's already been to 8 states and in the past two months has taken three trips that required plane rides!). She took her first trip to Disney World last month and was able to ride several rides! We also recently got back from a trip to the beach (her 2nd beach trip) where she loved swimming in the ocean! Back at home we do a story time, play often at the Children's Museum (can't wait for warmer weather so we can hit the zoo again too), and she is signed up for swim lessons starting mid-January! We stay busy playing with friends, dancing, singing, and playing.

My heart wells up with pride just thinking about her. Sometimes I just burst into tears looking at her and thinking about how blessed I am to have her and Jason. I don't deserve them and I wonder if she will ever know my deep, deep love for her. The other day I was wondering how someone can be a mother and not believe in God -- where does that kind of love come from if it isn't from the Lord? I just look or think about my daughter and I'm so proud of her - not because of anything she has done, but just because. Personally, I know that sometimes I think more of how I disappoint the Lord in my life, but I'm learning that His love truly is unconditional and it isn't just "love" but it is pride, joy, happiness, and other emotions just when He thinks of us. Do we disappoint Him and Hurt him - yes, daily, but I'm humbled thinking that how proud I am of Havana (even on her bad days) is not even close to what God feels for when looking down on each one of us! Wow, what love.

Parenting has started to become... overwhelming at times for me. Not so much the "job" of it -- I love the daily grid, so to speak, but the spiritual side of it. The first year of Havana's life wasn't super challenging... I was strict in having her sleep in her room (not being held) and putting her on a feeding/sleeping schedule... and those are things I'm a big fan of. We don't negotiate with Havana and won't ever, we're firm believers that we are the parents and she is not. Our pediatrician was very complimentary at our one year visit saying we were some of the best parents she had ever seen: we didn't get rattled by her crying and we didn't allow her crying to dictate our actions. I don't say that pridefully, but just stating that the logistics of parenting don't really intimidate us, I have done enough babysitting and observing friends who had children before I did - I saw things I wanted to do and things I knew I would never do. But, now that she is year, the desire to raise her up in the way of the Lord, to pray for her, to teach her about Jesus, never missing an opportunity to show her the love of Christ... those things sometimes burden us because we often feel so unprepared.

We have done a Bible study and prayer with her every night before she goes to bed since she was born, but it has to be more than that. It is showing her the patience and love of Christ, reminding her often the truths of the Bible, praying God's Word for her, teaching her that she is to obey us on the first command not because we want obedience, but that we are to obey God and it is a change of command. Some might think she is too young for some of that, but she's not. We want her to always know that we love each other, we love her, and we want her to be aware of the Lord and His love. How do I incorporate that enough? How do I protect her innocence? That is what Jason and I have been really getting serious about these past two months - from the blessings we speak over her, having her pray at night instead of us, and every night we pray from God's Word for her. We're also reading different books not so much on discipline, but on teaching your young kids about the Lord. I feel so unprepared when it comes to raising up a child in the way of the Lord, but I know it is a challenge we are ready to face head on, wrestling with all the demons we need to in order to make sure our family is stable and God-honoring.

BABY AP:
Well, the last time I updated the blog, we had just had an early miscarriage. That was rough. Shortly after that miscarriage we called our doctor and asked for an appointment to talk about starting back on fertility drugs (we ended up doing a drug combo for several months before we were able to conceive the first time with Elijah). The first appointment she had open to see us was September 8th and so waited until then. We went in to see her and told her about how we'd been trying since December, the whole July trouble, and then asked her about starting us back on drugs. She had no hesitations in starting us back up, but before she started us on the drugs, she wanted to do a pregnancy test just to make sure. We said okay, but I looked at her and said, "Okay, but it will come up negative." Jason and I were waiting back in the exam room when she walked through the door and said, "Well, this test came up positive." I jumped off the table and said, "What?!" Jason leaned back in his chair and said, "What in the World." Dr. B gave me a hug and then said she would take some blood and call me the next day to talk about the levels.

Jason and I were still not convinced and so we went home and took another test just to make sure there was no mix up at the hospital, it of course turned positive right away.. the excitement turned to sheer fear as we realized that we could loose this baby too! I was not expecting the doctor until the close of the next day, but she called before 9am! She said my levels "looked great" which made her want to follow up with an ultrasound since my levels had never looked good (with Elijah or Havana). We went in a few days later for our first ultrasound and found out, to my doctors suspicion, that we had concieved twins. However, at the time, only one of the twins had a heartbeat, but it was still early (6 weeks) and so we were to follow back up in two weeks with another ultrasound and I was to go in every few days for a blood work.

I have to say, to think we were going in to start fertility drugs, to find out we were pregnant, to find out it is twins was a lot to process! I have always wanted twins and was thrilled at the thought. In fact, as soon as we found out we were pregnant I told Jason "maybe it is twins." However, the doctor noted that my levels were dropping and so we had another ultrasound to confirm that the 2nd twin was not going to make it. They call it "vanishing twin syndrome" where one of the twins never makes it out of the first trimester. She started me on drugs to sustain the other twin and tried to reassure me that all would be okay. She said I would either start bleeding which would be me passing the twin (she did say they would bring me in right away to check to make sure the remaining twin was still okay) or that the twin would be "reabsorbed" as the surviving twin grew. Well, the latter has happened as I haven't had any bleeding.

Anyway, to say I am sad over the loss of that twin is an understatement. We lost yet another baby - what is wrong with my body that I can't support life the way women are supposed to? It seems every good news on the fertility front of our family has a loss in there as well: Elijah, our adopted daughter with Havana, and now the loss of a twin. Will I ever know the feeling of being pregnant and not have to come to terms with a loss in the middle of it? I don't want to sound ungrateful or as if I'm not super excited about Havana and Ap, but the joys of those babies don't take away or erase the pain of the loss. People don't always seem to understand that which can be frustrating. All of our children, biological or not, are important and special to me and I just want to know they their lives (even if short) were valued and important to others as well. I feel as if I am clinching at their memories because if I don't, no one else (save Jason) will remember my children and how much they were loved and wanted. I wanted that twin and that want won't go away.

We kept the news of this pregnancy to ourselves because Havana's first birthday was just a few weeks away and we were planning on telling our families all at once at the end of her party in order to allow her to have her special day without questions or congrats of the pregnancy. Because of that, we announced that we were pregnant after knowing we had lost the twin - which brought about a lot of internal conflict as I wanted people to know about our loss and yet most people didn't seem phased by the fact that we said we had lost the twin, not even an "I'm Sorry" but just a congrats or a one is more than enough sort of statements. Not everyone, I did even get a sympathy card in the mail, but more people than not didn't know how to respond. I understand, I know a lot of people don't know how to handle that or what to say, but just some friendly advice - just say "i'm sorry." Don't try to sugar coat things or find the silver lining, we'll find it on our own in time, but just a simple "I'm sorry for your loss" which shows us that the little life we once had was important and will be missed.

Sorry, I know I often talk about how people don't get me or don't do or say the right thing in this blog. I don't mean it to be a bashing place, but it is a place for me to share my thoughts and feelings and this is part of them. I don't mean to be critical, but do hope to educate people in how to respond to friends they might have who will go through something similar. :)

Anyway, back the story, so with the knowledge that we lost one twin sent the fear of loosing the other through the roof. It was an exhausting month or so of just really wrestling with God to have faith during all of this. When I prayed, really, really prayed - pouring my heart out to God (instead of just asking for the baby to survive) I would be filled with a peace and just a simple asking for me to trust Him. It was hard, but oh the moments with the Lord were so sweet. I opened Havana's Bible to read her story and the title was called "Jesus and the Children" and I got this whisper in my spirit of the Lord saying, "Darby, do you realize that I love this baby more than you do?! Trust me with it!" Wow! It was certainly a time for growth. One night at dinner I was talking to Jason about my fear of loosing the baby and he said, "This has got to stop. All you have talked about this week was loosing the baby... we are called to be people of faith." He was so right. I also started claiming Scripture in my life that had to do with casting out fear. It was a powerful month of growth and trust for me, but I'm glad I had to go through it.

Now, we are almost 22 weeks pregnant and the baby is doing well (Praise God!) and we recently found out it is going to be a boy!!! Many people ask us where the name Baby Ap comes from, well, that is what Havana wanted to name him! :) She started saying "Ap" for the first time on the day we found out we were pregnant and then she would say it every time we talked about the baby. So, the name has stuck! It is fun to have a little nickname for him, that will help us in keeping his name under wraps! :) The pregnancy hasn't been horrible, the first trimester was great, but when I hit 13 weeks I started puking and became exhausted. The month of November was the hardest for me as I just wanted to sleep all the time, but in early December I pulled out of it. The only symptom I have had is that I'm hungry all the time - and I'm wanting red meat a lot, which is rare for me. He's also kicking me! I didn't feel Havana kick until after 24 weeks and even then, I felt her "shift" more than kick, but Ap has been kicking me pretty much non-stop since the end of November. :)

Our due date is May 9th and we couldn't be more excited. Looking back I see this baby being a little love gift from God. I always wanted my first two children close together. We thought we were going to get that with the two kids 6 months apart (the adopted baby and havana) but after that fell through, our family felt so empty. I kept saying I wanted to get pregnant right away with 18 months being the farthest apart that I would be okay with having my children. In my head, I thought that meant we had to conceive in July, which is why the miscarriage in July was also difficult - I felt as if my dream of having 2 kids close together was being crushed! But, apparently, the Lord is better at math than I am because Havana will be 18 months on April 28th and Ap is due days after that!!! :) On top of that, May 9th is between Elijah's due date (April 17th) and our adopted daughter's birthday and day we lost her (May 20/May 22nd) and what a sweet gift to give us something positive in that time which is always trying. So, we are looking forward to May, when our family grows by one boy, but we cherish each day we have now together as well.

This is a blog more of less to talk about the children we will be adding to our family by birth and adoption, but as a simple marriage update - Jason and I are doing very well. We recently celebrated our 5 year anniversary and are more in love than ever. Married life is such a blessing and I'm so lucky to have such a godly man. We both believe that after our personal relationships with the Lord, our marriage comes next -even before the kiddos and so we are intentional about growing in our marriage and love, having conversations that don't revolve around children, and just enjoy each other. I love Jason and am so grateful for his leadership, friendship, and love. :)

Thanks for reading! My goal is to do an update a month or so, but we'll see... :) I'll attach a photo that I love from Havana at Disney World and then from West Palm Beach!!!! I love all my friends and appreciate a place to be real!