Those are some of my favorite photos from the past month!!!! It has been a fun month as Havana loves playing! She is so much fun and we spend our days playing with her toys, singing songs (she has a very high pitched voice), dancing, playing with friends, some days swimming or the zoo, reading, snuggling, and just enjoying time together. Jason has given me the greatest gift by allowing me to be a stay at home mom!!!! While there are some days that I think I could do an outside job so much better than I do the whole mommy thing - I really wouldn't trade it for the world. It is a 24/7 job with no breaks, no days off, and it is the best!!!!
At her 9 month appointment a few weeks ago Havana was 29 3/4 inches long (97%) and 18 pounds, 9 ounces (50%). She has been rolling around for a long time, but just today (August 3rd) she started crawling!!!! She can also pull herself up into a stand and has been known to take a few shaky steps from time to time. She is still a very good sleeper and sleeps about 10-12 hours at night and during the day takes 2, 2 hour naps. There are some days when she doesn't think she needs to sleep for the entire 2 hours - but we don't go in and get her until the two hours is up and on those days it is fun to watch her (in the video monitor) play with her toys and books that are in her crib. She has such an imagination already!
Everyone (including Jason) is saying they are starting to see more of me in her appearance! I'm happy to hear that! :) Her personality is developing and she certainly takes after me in that regard! She is outgoing, funny, loves being the center of attention, dramatic, and a chatter box! :) She is also very stubborn and SASSY!!!!! Yep, just like her mama! Sometimes I just wonder what God has in store for her life. What is He going to use her personality to accomplish?! The possibilities are endless, but we pray daily for her to love the Lord with her whole heart and for protection from the Evil One. I can't wait to see how He uses her!
Jason and I feel so blessed to finally be a mommy and daddy. We've never been happier and we've never been closer. It warms my heart to see Jason interact with his daughter and just today he told me how glad he was that I am the mommy to his children! It certainly has deepened our relationship and we do feel very blessed to have Havana. However, as I mentioned last month, our struggle with infertility continues and this past month has proven to be another bump in the road.
We've been using ovulation predictor kits in hopes of them helping us conceive! Last month we saw an "LH Surge" and we were very thrilled. We were so happy to see that you would have thought we had gotten a positive pregnancy test. After seeing that, I contacted a few close friends and asked them to be praying for us over the next few days - that a baby would be conceived. It didn't take too long - about a week or so - after I ovulated for me to start "feeling" pregnant - tired, headache, etc. I was so excited and even told Jason that I thought it was a boy! I was incredibly happy thinking that for once things were going to easy for us and that I would be normal!
My whole life I had wanted my first two children back to back... super close together. When we found out about the adoption and the pregnancy last March I remember thinking that this was God's way of making that come true! 2 children, 6 months apart... I was on could 9 and had such joy at the thought of it. Double the blessing after waiting for so long. Sadly, as you know, that wasn't the way it happened. I am still devastated over the loss of our precious adopted daughter, but thought perhaps we would have two biological children close together. Jason and I talked about trying for our 2nd baby in hopes to conceive quickly and then adopting our third as if we went the adoption route for our 2nd baby we would take a while (we would have to wait until Havana is a year to even get on the waiting list, then wait to get picked, and then wait for the baby to be born and see if the birthmother goes through with it) and we didn't want that much space between our first children. We kept thinking that if we had 2 then we would be so busy that waiting for our third child wouldn't seem as long and painful as it does now. So... as we've stated before, we've been trying to conceiving since Havana was 6 weeks old. I was hoping it would happen by the time she was 6 months or at least 9 months. 9 months to me would be the last "okay" month as that would put our children 18 months apart which would still be close together. I could picture it, it seemed perfect... so, seeing the LH surge last month made me think perhaps things would be just as we planned them and perhaps the Lord was going to truly grant us the desires of our heart.
However, as always, things just can't be easy for us... I began bleeding on the 24th of July... which was the same day as Havana's 9 month appointment. Sorry if this is too personal or too much information, but I am just expressing my heart... you see, we believe that bleeding was actually an early miscarriage. It was not at the "normal time", it was VERY Painful, VERY heavy, VERY clotted, and along with it all, I felt a horrible sense of loss that I can't put into words but felt after our other losses. We will never know for sure, this side of heaven, if it truly was a miscarriage or not, but I believe in my heart it was. Those events have really brought everything back in such real ways... the pain and frustration of infertility, the sadness of all the losses, the inadequacy I feel as a woman feeling as if I can't do my job, I can give Jason the family he wants, etc. etc. The past two weeks have been very heart breaking as I feel like my vision and dream for my family and having two children close together is slipping through my fingers and there is NOTHING I can do to stop it or put it back together. I'm completely out of control, completely helpless, completely heart broken!
What do we have to do to be normal? To be like most couples who can get pregnant easily or without even trying?! Why does our story have to be filled with bumps and heart aches?! We were talking about this last night before bed because Jason brought up our adopted daughter and the still very real pain of her loss... he ended up saying at some point during the conversation, "I guess God has a different vision for our family than we do." And with that I cried... why?! I've been praying for God to give me the same vision and desire He has for our family... why are they still so different?
The night the bleeding started, I told Jason that I was going to ask God when we get to heaven WHY?! Why did other people not struggle with this and we did?! Jason spoke truth into my life by reminding me of how God answers Job's questions: "Where you there when I formed the foundations of the earth?!" A few days later, we visited Southeast Christian Church, where the minister spoke about that very same passage. God's been pursuing me in that regard ever since and last week I spent about 3 days reading the book of Jonah... yes, that short book has spoken volumes to me. I could relate to Jonah who does not like or agree with the way God is handling things. While I don't think God is choosing to give us infertility (just a result of living in a fallen world) - He is allowing us to go through this. I'm don't really struggle with "why us" but I do struggle with "why them?" -- why are other people allowed to get pregnant so easily... I get frustrated with that more than I do with the fact we can't. Jason says that we can't play the comparison game with other couples, and he is right, but it is so hard not to! But, we're working through all of these emotions and struggles and are choosing to love and trust the Lord no matter what! It is just a process and some days I do a lot better with it than others. Please continue to pray for us and for our family.
In other (and lighter) news, Jason started his real job on July 4th and he has truly enjoyed it. His new schedule is AMAZING!!! I think I have seen him more this past month than I have our entire relationship!!! He is working, on average, 12 days out of the month (8-9 hours days) and in the month of July had 19 days off! Certainly not what we are used to, but we are loving it! The time together is sweet and we've been able to knock down our "to do" list with great aggression! We certainly feel blessed for Jason to have the job at the hospital he does because I doubt many people have such an ideal schedule!
As always, thanks for reading and caring! We continue to feel blessed by everyone's support.
Darby, don't give up! It is unfair to compare your family to other families, and will only cause you more heartbreak. I have to keep reminding myself that God's plan is better than my plans, and will be revealed in His time. At the time I was diagnosed with cancer, Chad and I were trying to concieve. Now they tell me I may never be able to concieve naturally. Thanks to amazing friends, family and supporters we were able to do IVF and store some embroys, however, it did not take the pain away when, instead of going to the OB for countless appointments and ultrasounds for my expectant baby, I was going to store eggs because I had cancer. Life may not be fair, but God is faithful. He will provide in His time. Best wishes to you and your husband, and may you experience peace in your journey.
ReplyDeleteAlicia