8 months

Hi Friends!

I know, I'm horrible at updating the blog! I do hope to get better and my goal is a new blurb (or at least a photo) once a month, but that has been my goal all along and you can see how well that is working out! :)

Havana is now 8 months old -- wow! Where does the time go? It really does feel like just yesterday that she was born and now she's 8 months old... it makes me realize that the next 4 months will fly by and soon Havana will be one! One... I am doing my best to cherish every stage and I really feel like I've done a good job with that. I remember when she was a newborn and getting up in the middle of the night to feed her I kept cherishing those moments -- I used them as prayer time, but also I just knew they wouldn't last long. I'm trying to keep that mentality with everything - to cherish it, even if it is hard or challenging, because it will soon be over.

Havana is a mover... she rolling (not yet crawling, but close) all over the place and we are quickly learning how our house is not baby proofed as we once thought! Ha. A few weeks ago, in the matter of 30 minutes, she rolled over and pulled down my scrapbooks... then I was changing her diaper and found paper in her mouth (where she got it, I still don't know)... and then i put her back down and went to wash my hands... i came back and she had rolled across the room and was putting Tucker's peanut butter kong in her mouth! Whew! I laughed so hard! We are having so much fun - we go to the zoo at least once a week, the Children's museum often, and our new favorite summer activity -- SWIMMING. She is such a little fish and is so happy in the water. We have spent over three hours straight one time just swimming and splashing. When we are at home, she loves playing with Tucker and her toys... we make up dances and sing songs all day. I am having a BLAST being a mommy... actually that is an understatement... I have no words to describe my delight with my role as mommy! I knew I wanted to be a mom but I didn't know how much I would just relish in my role. I never knew how much fun doing the honkey pokey really is! I am so blessed and God is entrusting us with a very special girl. I do feel as if she is going to have such a heart for the Lord. Now that we are eating, we say prayers before each meal... and we have "family devotions" every night which include a Bible story and prayers, but more than that, I've made her "changing table time" talking time... where I talk to her about God. The other day we talked about how she is an ambassador for Christ to everyone she knows from her siblings, to her grandparents, to her classmates... the next day, we talked about how God made her body special and for a purpose. I am really challenged to make those conversations special and to actually plan out what we are going to talk about and what truths I want her to learn.

Jason is enjoying fatherhood! In fact, I've never seen a father like him before. He is so involved in Havana's life - he knows her likes and dislikes, her schedule, her cries, and even the words to her favorite songs. He is very invested in her life and I am so proud of the father he is. He challenges me to be a better mommy each and every day and he's never slow to help me out. I love that i can leave him with her and not have to tell him what and when she needs to eat or sleep -- he knows. I have such a peace when I leave. It is very evident that Havana loves her daddy as she lights up every time he walks into the room. Those two are very close and I pray daily it will always stay that way.

In other news, we do want a second baby soon! We've been wanting one since Havana was about 5 minutes old! :) We have been very open to getting pregnant... well, forever. We will never be a couple that prevents pregnancy. For me, and a little for Jason too, the feelings connected with infertility quickly have come back. We've been trying for over 6 months with no luck and while I do appreciate the gift of Havana and I'm not taking away from the joy we have in her... I do get sad and frustrated that we've not been able to get pregnant yet. We will adopt a few children into our family no matter what and so we are looking into re-opening our adoption file (we can't, by law, until Havana is one years old) so we are just going to keep trying and seeing if we get pregnant before that or if we will choose to adopt next. Either way, I am already praying for our next baby.

I am starting to realize that our infertility journey is never really going to be over. We are always going to feel as if part of our family is missing, because it is... we have a baby in heaven waiting for us and a daughter out in the foster care system somewhere that we love and pray for daily. We are also never going to forget the pain we went through before Havana arrived and the frustration that continues as we desire to have a big family (5, 6, 7 kids... whatever the Lord allows) and while we know all our children won't be biological (and we WANT it that way... we still really WANT to adopt) we would like to think it would be "easy" to get pregnant and we know it is not. It seems so unnatural to me that getting pregnant is this hard and Satan often whispers that I'm not doing my duty as a woman... but I am also learning (and relearning) that I'm okay with our journey.

Do I like it? NO! Do I accept it? YES... what choice do I have... but on top of that... this is the road the Lord has led us on. Did He cause it? NO, but He has a plan! He knows our desires to have a big family and He wants to bless us, but He wants us to trust Him. I liken it to a caravan! If I'm following someone in my car and they know where they are going and I don't... I watch that car and try to stay right behind it. If I loose sight of it or something obstructs my view of that car - I do what I can to quickly find it and get behind it again so that I can reach the proper destination. Jesus is driving that car - He knows where He wants to take it. I'm trying to follow closely and while yes, I do loose sight of it, I'm getting better about looking for the car and being OKAY with following instead of trying to drive the lead car. I don't know what the rest of my life looks like, but He does. I often forget that He knows... He knows each of my children and what their names are (even though I don't even know that yet) and when they will be born. He knows what each day of my life looks like! Wow! When you hear that and let that sink in... how can you NOT fall to the ground and worship Him?! How can you not blindly follow and trust HIM?! Nothing else, no other religion, no man made plans... nothing... no nothing, can know our future, nothing can lead us on the path that we should go... nothing can compete for our worship! There is a verse in Proverbs (sorry don't know the exact reference) that says that in his head a man plans his way, but it is the Lord that directs his steps (or something like that) and I PRAY that my spirit can yield to what the Lord wants to do and the steps He wants me to take... despite the pain i might feel along the way. Everything will be worth it as it draws me closer to Him and just because I know I'm following the One True God - not matter what comes, that is my hope.

Well, I certainly didn't meant to type all that, but just wanted to share a bit of where we are! Thanks for all your prayers for our family. Please continue to pray for us and for Havana to be healthy and safe from all the evils of the world! :)

We love you all and we love Our Lord!

PS... Jason also is now out of residency and starts his job in Columbus, Indiana on July 4th! I'm so proud of him and all his hard work and success! He's truly my hero and is a wonderful ER doctor! :)