From the Heart of Darby...

t is almost 5:30 in the morning and I can't get back to sleep after having Tucker wake us up because he needed to go outside. While it was Jason who got up, dressed, and took him outside... I sat awake and realized that I had a lot of thoughts regarding adoption and my depression and hopefully if I blog them, I can get another few hours of sleep. :)So, please bare with me as I pour out my heart -- just as it is.

UPDATE ON DEPRESSION:

In early January I started to see someone else other than my OB to help regulate my anti-depressants and help me deal with my emotions. On the first visit I learned that the dosage of my Zoloft was not even at a therapeutic level. That could very much explain why my depression was still so deep. So, I tripled my dosage. About three weeks later - while I was driving to church on Tuesday morning - I had my first positive thought! Unless you have been through depression I am not sure if you will understand how wonderful a positive thought is. It just came to me and I realized that we were going to be parents someday without the bitter taste in my mouth of all that we've been through to get there.

Since then, I have been climbing uphill!!! I am still on Zoloft, but just last night I told Jason that I would like to stay on them another month, but then I want to try to wing myself off of them. That is huge for me!!!! God is truly walking down this road with me, and I can honestly say that Jason and I are closer and the Lord and I are closer because of this depression. So for that, I am grateful. Am I out of the woods? By no means... but I'm stating to treasure this journey rather than despise it.

I do have a lot of thoughts regarding depression and how the Church and Christians sometimes handle it... but I'll save all my rantings for another post. :) I do think depression is real and I do NOT think that it means a person is not close enough to Christ if they are going through it. And if I don't stop typing about that now.... I'll continue forever. ...

UPDATE ON ADOPTION:
All I have to say is that Jason and I are so excited for the arrival of our baby! We don't know anything about our baby, but we are already in love with it and pray for it and it's birthmother daily. No, we have not heard anything from the adoption agency regarding a birthmother who is interested in us. And while we both thought that we would have least heard something by now... we are trusting that the Lord is answering our prayers through this silence.

See, since the very beginning of this adoption process we have prayed that the only person who is interested in us - will in fact be the birthmother of our child. The adoption agency has talked to us in great detail about "failed matched" and "failed Placements" -- and usually every couple who is adopting will experience one of these losses. A failed match is where a birthmother chooses us, but then before she gives birth she changes her mind. A failed placement is when the birthmother gives birth to the baby (with us possibly there at the hospital) and then chooses not to sign the adoption papers. This has happened to a couple we know - they named the baby and everything - only to not be able to parent that child.

Those are scary realizations that we have been "praying against" since the beginning. We were preparing ourselves to "take a hit," but that was before our miscarriage. Now, I feel like we've taken that hit. We've lost a baby... so we are praying with intensity that our profile is only attractive to the One who will in fact be the birthmother of Baby Dugger. We are trusting that is why we haven't heard anything about a mother being interested in us... the Lord is sparing us from that pain of a failed match or placement. We have to have that faith. Please pray that for us as well.

Emotionally, we are getting very excited about bringing home a baby someday. In fact, we bought a crib, mattress, and all the bedding (mattress pad, sheet, blanket, dust ruffle, burp cloths, etc. We set it up in the nursery -- I washed everything and the crib is all made up (complete with a toy!). It looks so good. My brother and sister-in-law bought us a quilt that is beautiful and we bought quilt clips to hang that over the crib with. I'll hopefully post a photo soon! And, one of my dear friends up here in Indianapolis is going to throw me a baby shower at the end of March! I get so excited and I have such hope for our future. The adoption agency talks about how important it is for adoptive couples to go through an "expectant" period. And I know we are in that now! I also feel that I'm in the "nesting" phase as I've been throwing a lot of stuff out. The other day Jason said he was scared to go to work because he wasn't sure what would be gone when he got back. :) He also warned Tucker to stay away from me because he too might get tossed. ;) This is a fun time for us.

I still think about Elijah on a daily basis. I also think about what I would like like if I was still pregnant with him. I'm pretty sure that April 17th (his due date) will be a hard for us. I made a keepsake box for him and he'll always have a special place in our hearts. He will be our first child and I can't wait to meet him in heaven. I still tear up at least once a week, but I think that is healthy. I also still have a hard time around pregnant women, but I'm working through that on a daily basis (I have no choice, they are all around me!) But none of these emotions detract from our excitement, joy, and hope about the coming Baby Dugger.


Love to all!!!